Wanted, Needed, Loved

“A Prayer Addressing All Hungers” by Debra Smith

We are hungry

We are eating our daily bread
and bowing our heads
and yet we are hungry

We are thanking the farmer
and the farm worker
and yet we are hungry

We are speaking in spaces
for food that is healthy
and still we are hungry

We are tiring of slogans that say
Feed the Children
and mean feed the children
leftovers

We are hungry for something
that feeds more than bodies

We are hungry for help
Help us oh you who apportion the funds
Find in your hearts the child who you were
who would share with a friend
free and friendly
Lead us not into meanness

For we are the hungry
We want the loaves
and the fishes
the water
and the wine
of sweet justice for all

We are hungry

Whenever I log onto “Facebook” it asks me “What is on your mind Danny”. On Monday morning I replied “There’s absolutely nothing on my mind. This would be good except I need to think of something to explore this week…Any ideas?”

Well, I was amazed by the response. I know some wonderful and interesting people. I spent Monday working on a funeral and a few other things. At the end of the day I read what had been posted and I just marvelled at the responses. They offered me such fruits for after all it is by our fruits that we are known.” By Tuesday the phrases “To be wanted, needed and loved” was singing in my heart. What are our wants and needs? How do we respond to them and those of others? Is it from fear or love? For it matters as it from these that the world will see us and recognize.

In recent days we have seen a response to perceived needs in a less than healthy and dare I say sane manner. Chaos and panic buying at our petrol stations, for fear that petrol is about to run out. There have been similar reactions over the last 18 months. There is much anxiety around, people feel uncertain and insecure. I was talking with a woman at the gym the other morning. We often talk, she knows I am a minister. She has trouble with anxiety and that morning everything was irritating her, every sound was splitting right through her head. At least she spoke and as she did you could see her anxiety easing. The admittance there was a problem and the connection helped her. Another friend has also been struggling with anxiety these last few days, brought on by concerns for both of her parents. She is doing all she can, but it is not easy. There is a great deal of anxiety around at this time of uncertainty.

This all got me thinking about our human needs. I don’t just mean what we want as individuals, but our actual needs. How we fulfill and realise them. I’m not just thinking as individuals but as people who live in community with one another. I suspect that our most basic need might be this. So often people feel isolated and disconnected and the last 18 months has not helped with this.

Exploring our human needs is not a new subject. There are many theories as to what they are and how we feed them. During the middle years of the 20th century American psychologist Abraham Maslow suggested a hierarchy of needs which he illustrated as a kind of pyramid of needs.

At the bottom of the pyramid are our basic physiological needs for food, water, rest. At the next level are safety needs for security and shelter. After that come our needs for belonging and love, intimacy and friendship. The need for sex, as most of us know, comes only after we’ve eaten and rested and are in a warm, dry, safe place. Nearing the top of the pyramid come our esteem needs: finding self-worth through our external accomplishments and the affirmation of others. At the very top of the pyramid is self-actualisation, or reaching our full creative potential. That’s the part of our lives, after we’ve taken care of all of our other needs, in which we can begin to make meaning of our lives, find our place in the universe, and understand the impact we’ve had on the world and the people we love. Maslow later expanded on this suggesting that we also have a need beyond self-actualisation. Recognising a need that transcends the confines of self, reaching a stage beyond in which we seek the fulfilment of others, we an acknowledge our responsibilities to help others.

I think Maslow’s pyramid is helpful, but a bit like the stages of grief it does seem somewhat simplistic and life just aint like that. We all thirst and yearn and hunger for things in life, including spiritually. We are not merely physical beings who need our physical, psychological and emotional needs met. In some ways the spiritual hunger and yearning can be the primary one. I have a friend who wrote a PHD on the Irish in Manchester. It was an attempt to explode a few myths and he did. One thing that stands about the Irish and particular Catholic communities in the nineteenth century was that despite the incredible levels of poverty they were able to raise incredible amounts of money to build beautiful ornate churches. It seems that their spiritual needs were important to them, along with other needs of the wider community. They did not see their needs as being purely individualistic, which is perhaps the curse of the current age.

Swiss Psychiatrist Carl Jung also recognise deep more spiritual needs. It took an interesting view on addiction and human desire suggesting that they are ultimately a spiritual yearning, a longing for another dimension beyond the material plane. In a letter to Bill W, one of the founders of AA, just before Jung died he wrote about a client, who was a part of the Alcoholics Anonymous story, stating that "His craving for alcohol was the equivalent on a low level of the spiritual thirst of our being for wholeness, expressed in medieval language: the union with God." Interestingly salvation for the alcoholic is not purely an individual thing.

So many folk are thirsting for wholeness Perhaps our yearning, our wants, our needs are an expression of a perceived lack of something; a sense that something is missing, that we are experiencing an emptiness. And that there is a possibility for fulfilment if only we can become clear what the lack is really all about. This is hunger so many feel, wherever they are Maslow’s perceived pyramid. Those who hunger for food hunger for wholeness just as much as those who feel they are achieved their physical and emotional needs.

In “The Book of Awakenings” Mark Nepo seems to agree, he writes “I believe there is a dimension of the inner life that is as imperative and equivalent as food and shelter. Without the fulfillment of these basic inner needs, we are just fed and sheltered bodies void of life. Without love, truth, and compassion, all the comforts of modern life don’t matter, because we are simply reduced to biological machines, not even as present as animals.”

If we only live a life where our basic needs are met first, we will never take the risk to live the best life we can. We will certainly not live from love. We will feel we need to eliminate all the external troubles before we can truly live our lives. Well, there will always be external troubles. Perhaps not a world wide pandemic and all kinds of shortages, but other troubles, that stop us being what we can be in this world and giving what we have for the good of all. We will not live in and from love, we will live from fear until the day comes when we do not live at all.

This is not to say that the basic needs aren’t vitally important. Of course they are. Without basic shelter and food, there is no security. There are enough people in this world struggling just to survive. That said just because they are struggling to survive it does not mean that they are not living the lives that they can, living spiritually alive.

Besides which if we live lives aiming at material security first we may find that this is another hunger, another addiction, that can never be satisfied. We might start to believe that we can never have enough petrol, or toilet paper, or shoes, or cars or holidays in the sun, or whatever it is that we think makes our lives worth living.

We can begin to live from love right now, whether our other needs have been fully met or not. As Nepo writes: “Spend whatever you can afford on making love work, bringing true into being, and allow generosity and compassion to flourish. This is more altruistic. It is necessary to be fully alive. It’s part of the wood that keeps that inner fire burning.”

So what is that really need in life? Well I suspect it is a sense that we are wanted need and loved. The problem is that if we simply go seeking that, it is another feeling that can never satisfied, not wholly. Instead what I suspect is needed is for us to become people who invite others to realise that they are wanted, needed and loved as they, exactly as they are in this moment. What the world needs is more people who instead of grasping at everything for fear that someone else will get it; become people who will give of themselves, who will offer the hand of acceptance and love and invite the other as they are, exactly as they. You do not need to be the perfect self actualised individual to achieve this. It can begin right here right now, you can offer such love, before you reach any summit.

We seem so focused on reaching some imagined place or idealised state. We do not need to wait until we have reached Maslow’s self-actualised state before going beyond the limitations of self, to that to a stage in which we seek the fulfilment of others and finally acknowledgement of our responsibilities to help others. We will never reach that stage if all we are seeking is self-actualisation, why because it will still be all about us.

The journey is the gift, there is no real end, this gift is in living this way now. If we live with love in our hearts we might just find our most basic needs being met and those of others too. We might just begin to live a life where we truly realise that we are wanted, needed and loved as we are, exactly as we are in this moment.

Below is a video devotion based on the material in this "Blogspot"

Don Quixote: How We Can Build A More Beautiful World

Jan Taddeo "Three Things"

The storm outside echoes the

storm raging within my soul.

So many people in need...

so much pain, so much grief.

Too many causes and campaigns

fill my mailboxes, sap my energy,

beg for my money.

Three things I must do...only three things?

You’ve got to be kidding...which three do I choose?

Books and letters, magnets and movies

implore me to dance as if no one is watching

learn seven habits and make four agreements

give generously, vote often, express myself!

Yet hundreds, thousands, millions live with hunger

and thirst, in poverty, enduring violence, and disease.

Did Mother Teresa, Martin and Ghandi cry out

with despair from the darkness of overwhelm?

What three things did they choose?

Three things. Three things we must do.

Is it to act in kindness, serve justice, love God and your

neighbor even as you love yourself.

But where do I start?

So much thoughtlessness,

hatred and fear.

Too little justice, too much selfishness.

Where is God? Who is my neighbor?

Three things...seven principles, ten commandments, twelve steps…

all number of things speak to us; and yet,

we must choose.

We must choose to do something, so three things

may be the right number...not too few, not too many.

But which three things shall I do? Will you do?

Here’s an adage I’ve always liked:

Don’t just do something, stand there.

Stand in the surf, or sit on a rock, or lay your

body across the earthy loam...and be quiet.

Very quiet.

Do you hear it? That still small voice, the

echo of your soul, reverberating with the call

to your own true self to emerge.

Then the calm within becomes the calm without.

The storm blows over, the sun recovers its position of strength,

And that glorious symbol of hope and unity emerges across the sky.

At the end of this rainbow, a treasure…

the three things you must do:

Go outside yourself and know the needs of the world.

Go within and discover your Life-given gifts.

Then arch yourself like a rainbow bridge between the two and

create a more beautiful world.

I love Jan Taddeo’s poem “Three Things”, I identify with the struggle of living the spiritual life, living it in this life. It is a good question, how does one live spiritually alive, live ethically in this life? How do you grow spiritually in this world, without becoming too self indulgent? I like the balance of three simple things that Taddeo concludes with in her beautiful poem: “Go outside yourself and know the needs of the world. Go within and discover your Life-given gifts. Then arch yourself like a rainbow bridge between the two and create a more beautiful world.” This seems a wonderful way to live in such a way as to begin to build that kin-dom of love right here right now, by living your true authentic life.

That said although it sounds simple, it is far from easy. How do we do this? Also no doubt if you begin to do so you may well be considered a mad man or a mad woman. The great sages were, they were considered odd and or insane by many in their day, they were sometimes mocked and ridiculed, considered fools. Perhaps they were fools, but they were holy fools and they were fools just like us. 

Taddeo’s poem, “Three Things”, came up as a “Facebook” memory the other day. I find a lot of gems on social media, some of it deep and others less so. I recently found a group that has brought me a great deal of light relief. This is “The Absurd Sign Project”. It is basically a place where people share absurd signs from all around the world. Some are silly mistakes made and others are obviously deliberate jokes. One of them being this picture of a sign depicting a figure on a horse with what appears to be a long pole in his hand, there is a thick red line through the image, suggesting that such things are not allowed. Behind the sign is a windmill. I recognised the image immediately and thought it was genius, just brilliant. So, I posted it on facebook and lots of people responded. After about a day, a brave soul posted that he didn’t understand the image and asked what it meant. So, I explained that it was an image of “Don Quixote”. I then explained that the sign is saying “No tilting at windmills”, which means no joisting with windmills. you may well ask, what does that mean. Well it has come to mean, do not fight with imaginary enemies.

"Do not fight with imaginary enemies", seems like sensible advice. Of course, such enemies are just as likely to be within us as they are to be outside of us. In life sometimes our perceived enemies are real and sometimes they are enemies created by our own imaginings. I was talking with a couple of friends about this the other day. They didn't understand the "Don Quixote" post either and so I explained. This led to an interesting conversation and anxiety and the spiritual life, which planted the seed for the service that this "blogpost" is based on.

There is much excitement around at the moment as life continues to open. Next week is another step. Sue and myself are looking forward to a week on the Yorkshire coast. This is all positive news, but it is worth remembering that while it is exciting it does lead to anxiety for many folk. Our imaginations can lead to all kinds of fears and perceived enemies both internal and external. So please let us try not to tilt at those windmills. Let us instead follow Jan Taddeo’s suggestion of three simple things to “Go outside yourself and know the needs of the world. Go within and discover your Life-given gifts. Then arch yourself like a rainbow bridge between the two and create a more beautiful world.” Let us do so with discernment. 

Don Quixote, who tilted at windmills seems to me be a classic example of a “Holy Fool”, yes joisting with windmills is utter folly, madness. He is the “hero” of Cervantes novel “The Ingenious Knight of La Mancha”, published in 1604. The novel recounts to story of a man who after spending his life reading about the heroic exploits of knights decides that he must return the chivalric values to the world. It is thought that he lost his mind as he didn’t eat or sleep properly for years as he became engrossed the stories of the knights. Then in his old age he decided to become a knight, fashioning his own armour and lance and mounting his donkey. He persuaded his neighbour, a local peasant farmer Sancho Panza to join him and they set out together to fight injustice through chivalry. Isn’t this an example creating a rainbow bridge, if a somewhat eccentric one.  Such chivalry has been called “quixotic”, meaning striving for visionary ideals.

Now in order to become “quixotic” we must first overcome our demons; in order to give ourselves to the world in a positive way we must first know ourselves. Well Don Quixote is very much a story about overcoming the enemy within as well as acting in the world. The great mythologist Joseph Campbell would have said that this is a perfect archetype of the heroes journey. 

Here an extract from Cervantes novel, to illustrate:

"Since we expect a Christian reward, we must suit our actions to the rules of Christianity. In giants we must kill pride and arrogance. But our greatest foes, and whom we must chiefly combat, are within. Envy we must overcome by generosity and nobleness of spirit; anger, by a reposed and quiet mind; riot and drowsiness, by vigilance and temperance; lasciviousness, by our inviolable fidelity to the mistresses of our thoughts; and sloth, by our indefatigable peregrinations through the universe"

If we do we can then see these same troubles in our world and perhaps build that rainbow bridge and bring some healing. The troubles of our world are no different than they were when Cervantes was writing some 400 years ago, or during the times of Jesus some 2,000 years ago. Intolerance and otherness still divide us against ourselves. Don Quixote is just another example of those holy fools who wanted to weave the golden cord that will tie and unite us as one people.

In this time of rebuilding, as we return to our lives, it seems sensible to find something that will unite us, perhaps something akin to “Quixotic” chivalry. Does that sound like an impossible dream, as they sang in the Broadway musical “Man of La Mancha”, based on this tale:

To dream the impossible dream, to fight the unbeatable foe,
To bear with unbearable sorrow, to run where the brave dare not go.
To right the unrightable wrong, to love pure and chaste from afar,
To try when your arms are too weary, to reach the unreachable star.

Don Quixote, while certainly eccentric, some have said insane, seems like a wonderful example of the heroic archetype, of what we can be, a wonderful example of humanity, a flawed and imperfect example. Something that seems pertinent as we have just marked “Mental Health Awareness Week”. I don’t think that the way he lived was in any way mad, for did he not embody the sacred commandment that we must love one another; love one another by recognising the inherent worth and dignity of all persons.

Yes, he didn’t always see things as most folk do. He struggled and suffered with his own demons, he didn’t always get it right, he mistook windmills for giants, for monsters. Sancho Panza tried desperately to dissuade him.

That said sometimes his vision saw through the prejudices of others. When Sancho Panza sees the peasant woman, the despised Aldonza, Don Quixote sees the beautiful and pure Dulcinea. Aldonza sees herself as someone with no self worth, but Don Quixote (in the play at least) believes in her, he recognises her worth and dignity and in time she recognises this in herself and eventually takes on the name Dulcinea.

Don Quixote was determined to right what he saw was wrong in the world. He exemplifies nearly perfectly Jan Taddeo’s suggestion of three simple things, to “Go outside yourself and know the needs of the world. Go within and discover your Life-given gifts. Then arch yourself like a rainbow bridge between the two and create a more beautiful world.” This is what he did:

‘To fight for the right, without question or pause, to be willing to march into hell for a heavenly cause…and the world will be better for this, that one man, scorned and covered with scars, still strove, with his last ounce of courage, to reach the unreachable star.’

He built his rainbow bridge and began to reach the unreachable star.

Is this an impossible dream? I don’t think so.

In the play, inspired by the novel, Don Quixote says on his deathbed: "I just wanted to add a measure of grace to the world." Did he achieve this. Well at the end there he is dying alone, despised and rejected, it doesn’t appear so. So maybe it was all folly, was he just a fool after all. Well as he is lying there to his deathbed comes a Spanish queen with a mantilla of lace. She quietly kneels at his bedside and prays. As she does so he opens his we eyes and asks, “Who are you?”

To which she replies “ 'My Lord, don't you remember? You gave me a new name; you called me Dulcinea. I am your Lady.'

Don Quixote refused to treat Aldonza as the others did, he recognised her worth and dignity and in time she became a person who recognised her own and became a person with worth, dignity and respect and lived this life and offered this to those she met in her life.

As Don Quixote did she recognised this gift within her and saw the need to offer this to the world, she built her rainbow bridge and began to create a more beautiful world.

We can do the same. We can recognise our own worth and dignity and recognise this in others. We can begin to build a more beautiful world, we can create the kin-dom of love right here, right now. We can not only dream the impossible dream, but truly live it.

Here is a video devotion based on the material in this "Blogspot"

Memory is a Mystery to Me

As the silence came to an end during the meditation, I was sharing with my Tuesday morning friends, I felt overcome by a beautiful sense of peace within myself and for all of life. I felt awake to the moment I was in and connected to all of eternity. As the feeling flowed over me a memory awakened within my being. I was taken back to a childhood time. What today would be called year four, but in my day was the first year of junior school. I re-felt, I re-sensed a memory of being sat on the floor with my class mates listening to the teacher reading the end of day story. It was a lovely feeling as I re-felt the experience. There was not really a picture in my mind, other than a very vague one of the room, which even now I cannot see in my minds eye. I can’t even picture the teacher or even my class mates. What I remember is that lovely sense of well being. As I sat there, awakening from the silence, that Tuesday morning, I re-awakened that feeling, the experience re-incarnated in me.

The fact I can’t really picture the memory is not very surprising to me as I am not a visually minded person. I have friends who can visualize all kinds of memory, but I am not one of them. My memories tend to be more sensed than seen. Memory and memories are an utter mystery to me. Why it came when it did and in the form that it did, I have no clue of. I immediately shared the experience with the friends I was with and on Facebook as soon as I could. I felt the need to share it widely and thus make it more real.

Social media, particularly Facebook gets a bad press. It has been rightly criticised in some quarters. Young people consider it passé. The fact I favour it as my preferred social media option ages me somewhat. One of my favourite things about Facebook is that each day it reminds you of previous posts on that day over the years.

The other day I came across the following quotation, I had originally posted two years ago:

“A spontaneous flash of understanding came to me an hour or two after the birth of our first child: "He will never remember today. His birth is chiefly experienced by me, his other relatives, the nurses, and the young mother in the next bed in this war-time hospital. So it may be in death? Only others aware of our passing?”

Hilda Martin Hall

Sadly, I have no memory of where this came from. I find it beautiful. It got me thinking and re-feeling. Two of the most important moments of our lives, our birth and our death, perhaps the most memorable to our nearest and dearest, we have no memory and no real awareness of. If we do have awareness we have no way of communicating the experience through our physical senses. These moments though, as they are experienced by our nearest and dearest, can be some of the most memorable of their lives. They are a part of the natural experience of living and dying and yet the they are the most awe filled, they are awful in the old meaning of the word.

I have never witnessed the birth of a child, I am not a parent. That said I can still re-feel the incredible experience of first seeing my youngest sister Natalie as well as nieces and nephews, truly awe filled moments. I remember powerfully how it felt visiting my grandad those last few times before he died. As well as seeing the lifeless bodies of my father and little Ethan, that incredible outpouring and heartbreaking love as it felt like the whole of my inner being was being torn to shreds . I have also been at the bedside of several congregants as they have come to the end of their lives and witnessed the incredible power of shared love as I have been in the presence of their loved ones. The love experienced in such moments is overwhelmingly powerful.

These memories are etched in my soul. I cannot truly visualise them, they are blurred a bit like looking through frosted over glass. They are like the spiritual experiences I have had, when everything that surrounds the object of my focus appears frosted over.and what is at the centre becomes illuminated. That said while I cannot visualise the memory it feels so alive in my inner being, I can embody the memory. It is somehow more real than reality itself. It is a deeper and thicker kind of real.

The other day another memory appeared on my screen. It was of my grandad’s 90th birthday party, just over a year before he died. As I looked at the picture posted by “Our Troy” I remembered well the conversation we had that day. How he told me how grateful he was to have lived the life he had. I re-felt the feeling of awe as he recounted a tale from the war. He was in the Royal Navy and the ship on which he served was under bombardment. The ship was hit by a shell that went right through to engineering. Somehow it never went off and as a result he and his crew mates were spared. His friend Percy, who went to sea with him, was not so fortunate he never came back. He later said that he has been a very fortunate man throughout his life. Like everyone he has known his share of suffering, but he knows how fortunate he has been to have had the chance to live the life he has had.

I have shed many private tears as I have re-felt that conversation. I shed several more as I wrote these words.

A few weeks ago I attended the funeral of my grandad’s long time partner, “Auntie Hilda”. They were together from 1973 until my grandad’s death. She is our Troy and Samantha’s mum. They are both heartbroken since she died.

After the funeral I was sat talking with my auntie Lynne and cousins and she was recounting tales of my birth and early childhood to my fiance Sue, I could sense powerfully her deep love for me, as I always do around family, particularly those who have known me for longer than I have known myself. She is one of those people that witnessed my earliest moments that I have no memory of. As my grandad had of her and as we and so many others shared over those last years of his life. These are deep connections.

Memory is a mystery to me. The way I remember my own life and people I share my life with has changed many times. The changes seem to coincide with the way I have experienced and understood my own humanity, another mystery. The truth is that my life is made up of those lives that went before me, my life is built on their lives and those that follow me, their life will be built on mine and my contemporaries. The ancestors who walked before me and those that follow me are actually a part of me. I find that incredibly humbling.

It fascinates me how these memories take shape and form and often reshape as time goes by; it amazes me how these memories seemingly re-incarnate as the days pass. In many ways it is memory that brings the moments I am experiencing to life, as it did during meditation on Tuesday morning.

Sadly we cannot store the experience of memories. Memories fade as our minds lose their power. I noticed this the other day as I realised I had left the chapel lights on overnight. Something that Thelma pointed out to me as I returned from the gym and chatted with her as she was hoeing in the garden.

I have always been terrible with names, faces I remember, as I do details of peoples lives, but names they seem to fall through the sieve that is that aspect of my memory.

I am told that this is only going to get worse, I have already seen the signs of what is yet to come. Billy Collins captured this perfectly in this extract from his poem “Forgetfulness”



The name of the author is the first to go
Followed obediently by the title, the plot,
The heartbreaking conclusion, the entire novel
Which suddenly becomes one you have never read,
Never even heard of,
As if, one by one, the memories you used to harbor
Decided to retire to the southern hemisphere of the brain,
To a little fishing village where there are no phones.
Long ago you kissed the names of the nine Muses goodbye
And watched the quadratic equation pack its bag,
And even now as you memorize the order of the planets,
Something else is slipping away, a state flower perhaps,
The address of an uncle, the capital of Paraguay.
Whatever it is you are struggling to remember
It is not poised on the tip of your tongue,
Not even lurking in some obscure corner of your spleen.
It has floated away down a dark mythological river
Whose name begins with an L as far as you can recall,
Well on your own way to oblivion where you will join those
Who have even forgotten how to swim and how to ride a bicycle.
No wonder you rise in the middle of the night
To look up the date of a famous battle in a book on war.
No wonder the moon in the window seems to have drifted
Out of a love poem that you used to know by heart.

I cannot remember how many things I have forgotten this week. We all forget things and even more as we get older. And then there is Dementia and its cruellest form Alzheimer’s A disease which attacks the cortex of the brain forming bundles of tangled plaque that inhibit conversation between the neurons; as it takes away a persons identity and history as aspects of their humanity drift away. The longer we live the more likely we are to become one of its victims.

Now while the Alzheimer’s sufferer forgets, those who loved them never let them go. Those who shared memories with them hold their love, those feelings are felt in that deeper place that cannot be destroyed by time. Love is eternal, it is immortal.

For as Isaiah (49 vv 15-16) said:

15 Can a woman forget her nursing child,
or show no compassion for the child of her womb?
Even these may forget,
yet I will not forget you.
16 See, I have inscribed you on the palms of my hands;
your walls are continually before me.

These words awoke somewhere in me the other day as I was looking at the palm of my hand; as I looked at my life line and my heart line and remembered the love I have known and the love I have shared, with those people who have made up my life. Such feelings are surely Divine.

This is beautifully illustrated by Thich Nhat Hahn, who wrote in “Present moment, wonderful moment”

“If you look deeply into the palm of your hand, you will see your parents and all generations of your ancestors. All of them are alive in this moment. Each is present in your body. You are the continuation of each of these people.”

All that has been before is a part of who we are.

Life awes me every single day, it humbles me also. The more I learn the less things make any sense. Every day I have a growing sense of how truly ignorant I am. Nothing makes sense to me. I have no idea why I feel what I feel or why my mind remembers and forgets things. Clever people try to explain these things to me, but they seem to get it even less I. The sum of the parts they describe do not even begin to scratch the surface of the whole.

That said I am so grateful to be a part of this incredible mystery that is life itself,; that I get to share it with the people I do; that I get to experience the sensations of these memories coming to life in my body and spirit, enhancing my experience of life today.

I am grateful to have experienced this the most amazing trip that anyone could wish to be on. Thank you for being a part of it.

"Anam Cara" & "The Good Friendship"

"At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us."

Albert Schweitzer

We meet many people throughout our lives; many of whom have the capacity to transform and affect our lives. I do from time to time give thanks with deep gratitude for those who lighted the flame within me; those who have rekindled the flame.

When I think of these people I am aware that some came into my life at a young age and have always remained. Others have come later, some have stayed for only a short time and others have remained. I am sure I have had similar impacts on the lives of others too, often without realising it. One lesson that life has taught me is that everything matters. Everything we say and everything we do matters, has some impact, even if we are not always aware of what this might be.

Many years ago I came across the following poem, it is very popular within recovery communities. I remember at the time I dismissed it in my arrogance. Over the years I have learnt to appreciate it and the truth I have discovered within it. It is by that prolific author “Unknown” and goes by the title “Reason, Season or Lifetime”

“Reason, Season, or Lifetime”

"People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant."

I am a very blessed person in so many ways. I have been loved by many people in my time on this earth. I have had and have known many friends. Now I’ve not always appreciated the friends I have known in my life, I have neglected the love offered to me. I have many friends in my life today, that said I wonder sometimes how many truly know me intimately, know me warts and all and beauty spots too. Well one or two do and these are the one or two I always turn to in my darkest moments when I need someone to just listen.

We all need someone or some people who we can truly be ourselves with. Everyone needs a good friend; we need friendship. By this I mean real physical, living breathing friendship.

One criticism of modern living is that we lack deep and meaningful friendships. While we claim to have many friends, our friendships lack real intimacy it is claimed. I suspect the reason for this is that the word "friend" itself has lost some of its depth of meaning. My facebook account says that I have 945 “friends”, but truth be told most of these people are not truly my friends. There are a number I have never physically met in the flesh and others that are merely passing acquaintances. That said there are also some of the most important people in my life on their too.

Please do not get me wrong I am not decrying social media it has its place, it fulfils a really important need in life; it allows people to communicate in intimate ways who cannot physically contact one another. That said it cannot fulfil some basic human needs that can only be filled by physical human interaction.

Yes I wonder sometimes if we have reduced the meaning of the word "friend". Certainly in terms of social media we have done so. When we talk about a friend in such an environment it has become almost a verb and not a noun. After all don’t we ask one another to “friend” each other? We don’t so much become friends, we ask if we can “friend” one another.

I have a confession to make and I’m afraid it’s a little embarrassing. I have a love for American situation comedies. I especially like the ones that are based around groups of people. Like so many others I loved “Friends” and these days I adore “The Big Bang Theory” and “How I Met Your Mother”. All three follow a similar format and are based around a group of six or seven friends and their trials and tribulations. These are referred to as “Flock” rather than “Family” comedies.

Something else that you may or may not know about me is that I spend a lot of time in coffee shops. Caffe Nero in Altrincham to be exact. I spend time both working and socialising there. I wrote this blogspot while sitting there only the other day. I also spend time meeting and chatting with friends there too, much like I used to in pubs in my drinking days. I have got to know many people while sitting there. It brings to mind an old Chinese proverb “It takes five cups of tea to know a person”, or in my case it takes 5 caffe latte’s to get to know a person.

I recently got into a conversations with a delightful young woman while sitting and working in cafe nero, we got into a fascinating conversation about friendship. She explained to me that she had been to a talk where a person claimed that we need to have five kinds of friends and that this is why there are 6 characters in “sit coms” like “Friends”

I can’t remember exactly what was said but it went something like the following. The first is a kind of soul mate, someone we connect with on a deep level like a blood brother or spirit sisters. Another is someone who we can turn to in times of trouble. A third is someone who can stimulate us intellectually, who we can share ideas etc with. Another is someone who we can just be crazy with, someone to have fun with. Finally we need someone who will stretch us and encourages us to be more than we can be.

I’ve been thinking about this conversation a lot these last few days and tried to work out if this is the case today or whether it has been the case at different times in my life. I hope I fulfilled these kind of friendships in the lives of others too. How about you? Do you have these kind of friends? Have you had such types in the past? Have you been one or other of these types of friend?

Now it seems that this idea of breaking friendships into types is not a new observation, it has been around since ancient times. It may not surprise you to hear that the ancient Greeks had a word for the love that exists between friends. They called this “Philia”. Now just to complicate matters this form of love was broken down into three subsets. The first being known as “friends of utility” such friends today would probably be business associates or acquaintances. The second type were known as “friends of pleasure”, these friends tended to share a common interest which when it came to an end so did the friendship. Neither of these two types were considered long-lasting or particularly intimate. The third type of “Philia” love though was different. It tended to be formed from the love of another’s character. It’s the type of friendship that endured and involved a deep intense intimacy and trust. Such friends were known as “The Good”. For such friendships to last they had to be mutual, free of expectations and characterised by honesty and trust.

"Everybody needs a good friend!"

Now “The Good” type of friendships seem hard to live up to and as such I suspect were rare in ancient times and perhaps even more so these days. If I honestly look at it I suspect that I have had only a handful of such friends in my life. I suspect that this is perhaps what is lacking in many people’s lives these days.

Maybe this is why so many people feel lonely these days, they lack such intimacy. For there is something deeply spiritual and soulful about such love. I suspect that it brings us close to God’s love, it is one way to know the “Love that is Divine.”

In “Four Loves” C.S. Lewis described such friendship love in the following way:

“It seems no wonder if our ancestors regarded Friendship as something that raised us almost above humanity. This love, free from instinct, free from all duties but those which love has freely assumed, almost wholly free from jealousy, and free without qualification from the need to be needed, is eminently spiritual. It is the sort of love one can imagine between angels.”

This got me thinking of the Celtic concept of “Anam Cara”. Anam Cara means “Soul Friend”. Anam being the Gaelic word for soul and Cara the word for friend. Now in the Celtic tradition an Anam Cara is a teacher, companion or spiritual guide. They are someone who you can share your inner most self with and thus unearth some of those hidden gems that we rarely let out in life and let shine. The two parties break through the usual human barriers to a deeper soul level, there is a deep sense of belonging and recognition involved in the relationship, both in the present moment but also the eternal. Such relationships tend to be mutual, they are two way, both parties grow from them; such relationships have the capacity to transforms and take us to deeper experiences of who we are and what life can be.

In my life there have been several people that have affected me in such a way, that I have connected with on a deeper level. They have allowed me to cross the threshold where the Divine and human ebb and flow into one another. They have taken me to places I never knew were possible. Not physical places, but spiritual places.

I am told that an Anam Cara is a loved one who awakens your life in order to free you to the undreamed of possibilities deep within you. I am blessed to have known some of these souls in my journey through life.

Some of them have been with me from my earliest memories; some have been in my life for a short time; some were old and wise and some were oh so young, their light shone for only a short time; some died far too soon and I wish it were not so. So many are no longer physically with me, they are “as the other side of the air”, but their soul is still alive in my soul, I know this to be true.

I am very blessed to have known so many of the people I have met in my life. They have touched me so deeply at times. They have become soul friends. This is why I know that everything we say and do and do not say and do not do is oh so important. Everything matters. We effect people’s lives in oh so many ways.

I’ve been thinking about this these last few days, ever since that encounter I had in the coffee shop. I ask that you do the same. Think about those people who you have connected with in a deep way, even if it was just for a very short time. Think about the people that have awakened something deep within you; think of those who have helped you know that love that is Divine, God’s love. Then think of those who you have touched deeply who you have helped awaken.

There are encounters that can shape us and change us forever. Some are for a reason, some for a season and some for a lifetime. We cannot know this when we first begin communicating with someone, although sometimes instinctively we do. Such encounters can lead to unknown transformations, for they reveal the love that is Divine. Let us stay open to them. You never know the next person you meet may become the “Good Friend” that transforms your life and you theirs.

I will end with the following "Friendship Blessing" by John O'Donohue, taken from his book "Anam Cara"

"A Friendship Blessing"

May you be blessed with good friends.
May you learn to be a good friend to yourself.
May you be able to journey to that place in your soul where
there is great love, warmth, feeling, and forgiveness.
May this change you.
May it transfigure that which is negative, distant, or cold in you.
May you be brought in to the real passion, kinship, and affinity of belonging.
May you treasure your friends.
May you be good to them and may you be there for them;
may they bring you all the blessing, challenges, truth,
and light that you need for your journey.
May you never be isolated.
May you always be in the gentle nest of belonging with your anam ċara.

Whatever happened to the heroes?

Social networking has had a bad press of late, especially in the wake of the recent troubles in our cities. We have heard similar complaints in the past. It always amazes when people blame developments in communication for society’s ills. Yet again we have heard the cries that it is modern media that is corrupting our youth. It would appear that we humans are always looking for scapegoats but I don’t think you can really blame our troubles on tools of communication.

I cannot claim to be the most technically savvy of people, I’m well behind most of my contemporaries to be honest. That said I do make good use of some elements. I am a big fan of Facebook. It has enabled me to make many useful connections. One of  my favourite aspects are the daily updates and series of quotes that different friends of mine post on there, they have helped me on many occasions as I have struggled for themes to explore in worship.

The other day a friend posted this quote:

“Don’t speak to me about your religion; first show it to me in how you treat other people. Don't tell me how much you love your God; show me in how much you love all His children. Don't preach to me your passion for your faith; teach me through your compassion for your neighbors. In the end, I'm not as interested in what you have to tell or sell as I am in how you choose to live and give.” ~ Cory Booker, Mayor of Newark, NJ

“Deed’s not Creed’s” is a central claim of my chosen Unitarian faith. We assert that religion is more about how a person lives their life rather than what they do or do not believe in.

As I have stated previously I have signed up to the “Charter for Compassion” and am attempting to promote Karen Armstrong’s “12 Steps to a Compassionate Life” in my ministry. Step 2 suggests that we look at our own world to discover where we can act and make a difference. She also proposes that when doing so we seek inspiration from the heroes of the past; people who in their day climbed out of their boxes and observed their reality from an entirely different angle. They made a difference to their time and place and acted in the world. She is saying that we too can become heroes of our time and place; that we too can be truly religious people who can influence our world for the better.

She states:

“As we seek to create a more compassionate world, we too must think outside the box, reconsider the major categories of our time, and find new ways of dealing with today’s challenges. But as we approach this task, we need the guidance of such people as the Buddha or Confucius, because they are the experts.” pg 58-59

What is a hero?

Heroes can be found in every single human tradition. They have existed ever since we began telling stories around the camp fire. Ancient Greek and Roman mythology spoke of Aneaus, Hercules, Odysseus and Theseus. The Hebrew Scriptures describe the heroic deeds of David, Joseph, Moses and Samson. Similar stories can be found in every culture. They describe heroic figures who stood up for righteousness and made a difference in their time and place.

The stories we tell today are also full of heroic characters. We only need look at the recent movie remakes of the comic strip super heroes such as Spiderman, Batman, The X-Men, or Star Wars, Harry Potter, Dr Who, the Lord of the Rings, James Bond, Indiana Jones, Buffy the Vampire Slayer. These are modern day heroes, but they are no different in character to the heroes of ancient times. I myself have a love for detective programs like Columbo, Poirot or Monk. I love the slightly quirky and a little bit odd hero. The obvious hero is not really for me.

Joseph Campbell studied the ancient myths and uncovered a pattern that was common to the heroes described within them. He talked of a journey that they all seemed to embark on. It begins with the innocence of childhood and the call to adventure; a call that is initially refused or rejected, but eventually accepted. The hero leaves behind the comforts of family and community. They experience the pain of separation from all that they know and hold dear. They undergo a series of initiation rights and challenges. They do battle with the monsters and demons both within themselves and externally to them until they hit a point of surrender. They hit rock bottom. From this they emerge with a new found humilty. At this point a female character appears, often in the form of the goddess. She leads the hero to a deeper recognition and reconciliation with both his masculine and feminine attributes. The father figure appears and the hero becomes reconciled with his past. The sons power and prowess is finally recognised, the initiation phase comes to an end and the hero becomes fully aware of the newly found gifts within his possession. It is now time for the hero to return with his new found bounty and wisdom. Although he has returned he is not the same person who left and things will never be quite the same again. He can now give all that he has and all that he is to his world.

Karen Armstrong highlights that you can see these heroic characteristics in the great religious sages. They all underwent their own trials before embarking on their missions. The Buddha abandoned his family, shaved his head and donned yellow robes renouncing the ascetic and set off into the world to cure it of suffering. Jesus began his ministry, following his Baptism by John, by stepping out into the wilderness for forty days of temptation. Muhammed, before his revelation, went to Mount Hiren outside of Mecca. Here he fasted and subjected himself to spiritual exercises and gave alms to the poor; here he meditated on the suffering malaise that had overcome his tribesmen and sought out a solution to their problems.

Armstrong suggests that if we wish to live more compassionately and to affect our world for the better that we should follow the example of these ancient sages. That we should search out the heroes of our time and even uncover the heroes within ourselves; to not merely talk about religion, but to live religiously. To live fully engaged and compassionate lives. For her this is essence and purpose of religion and I for one agree with her.

So who are our 21^st century heroes?

I recently came across this quote by Christopher Reeve (1952 – 2004). He said:

“When the first Superman movie came out I was frequently asked, "What is a hero?" My answer was that a hero is someone who commits a courageous action without considering the consequences...

...Now my definition is completely different. I think a hero is an ordinary individual who finds strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles.”

Well this one time superman certainly exhibited great courage in the last few years of his life, following the accident that left him a paraplegic. I recently learnt that later in life that he, like myself, became a Unitarian.

Anyone can be a hero; we all possess those qualities within us. All we need to do is uncover those virtues within each and every one of us. Now we may not all have the opportunity to be the brave courageous hero of the ancient and modern tales. That said I am certain that every single one of us has at one time or another had to overcome many obstacles of varying shapes and sizes, no life is without problems. Further, we can all do little wonderful and caring things that can change our world a little bit at a time.

The key for me to uncovering and developing the hero inside each and every one of us is to make that decision each day to do what we can. To effect change does not require super powers, lots of money, complicated gadgets; we do not need to wear a special outfit and cape. All we need to do is to make a decision and follow it with appropriate action, each and every day.

The question we may well ask ourselves is can we do it? Well I for one believe that we can.

When I personally doubt my effectiveness, my ability to make a difference I simply return to these words by Edward Everett Hale

 “I am only one

But still I am one.

I cannot do everything

But still I can do something

And because I cannot do everything

I will not refuse to do the something that I can do.”

We do not have to search for our modern day heroes; they are inside every single one of us. All that we need to do is look at the person staring back at us in the mirror and not refuse to do the something that we can do.