No Matter What and Bridget Jones: Stories about the Eternity of Love

I will begin with a favourite story a story about love and the eternity of love really.

"No Matter What" by Debi Gliori

Small was feeling grim and dark. Playing toss and fling and squash, Yell and scream and bang and crash. Break and snap and bash and batter… “Good grief,” said Large. “What is the matter?” Small said “I’m a grim and grumpy little Small and nobody loves me at all.” “Oh Small,” said Large. “Grumpy or not, I’ll always love you no matter what.” Small said, “If I was a grizzly bear, would you still love me, would you care?” “Of course,” said Large, “bear or not, I’ll always love you no matter what.” Small said, “But if I turned into a bug, would you still love me and give me a hug?” “Of course,” said Large, “bug or not, I’ll always love you no matter what.” “No matter what?” said Small, and smiled, “What if I was a crocodile?” Large said “I’d hug you close and tight and tuck you up in bed each night”. “Does love wear out” said Small, “does it break or bend? Can you fix it, stick it, does it mend?” “Oh help,” said Large “I’m not that clever I just know I’ll love you for ever”. Small said “but what about when we're dead and gone, would you love me then, does love go on?” Large held Small snug as they looked out at the night, at the moon in the dark, and the stars shining bright. “Small look at the stars – how they shine and glow, but some of those stars died a long time ago.” Still they shine in the evening skies. Love, like starlight, never dies”.

A beautiful story don’t you think.

By the way apologies, I have a really heavy cold. I hope you can understand me.

Molly was full of life and love on Monday morning. I think she spent the best part of two hours running and playing in the park. It was a joy to see her running alive and enjoying the joys of spring. It did feel like it was in the air. I spent some of the time in conversation with a friend and her dog Ronnie, Molly’s favourite. They had a ball together. We also spent time talking about a few things, particularly friends who we have some concerns about. As is often the case I spent most of my time listening, I generally follow the suggestion from James 1 v 19-20 “You must understand this, my beloved:[g] let everyone be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger; 20 for your anger does not produce God’s righteousness. “ Something we could all do with paying attention to in this day and age. I did share a little about a sense of weariness this winter, that I felt surrounded by grief. Both congregations have lost several people this winter.

So, it was lovely to find myself walking in love and life and watching the signs of spring all around me, particularly in this sweet little dog.

I have been to the pictures a couple of times in recent weeks. I enjoyed both occasions, sharing with friends and enjoying the whole cinema experience at “Everyman” in Altrincham . I have been to see two very different films. The first being “A Complete Unknown” the Bob Dylan biopic, which was superb. The second being very different “Bridget Jones; Mad About the Boy”, the fourth instalment in the Bridget Jones series. I think I have seen the original and perhaps another one. I have to say it is not something that has been high my lists of interests.

So, I began to watch, with not a great deal of expectation. I surprised myself though as I got caught up in the humour, which was easy to engage in and the quality of the actors and characters. It is of course a romantic love story, these films always are. That said what got me, what held me, was when I realised it truly was a love story, but not the kind you would expect. It was a story about grief. Grief of course is all about love. In fact grief is the price we pay for love. We all love and thus we all grieve when that which we love is lost.

It is a story of about Bridget beginning to live again after the loss of her husband Mark D’Arcy, the father of two children Billy and Mabel. It is a funny and poignant portrayal, sweet and painful at times. It also has this rather lovely ability to explore all the experiences and stages of grief; all the different conversations and reactions to grief and those who grieve; it explored the spiritual, religious, psychological, social and plain old human experiences that all who grieve and begin to live again will experience. It is not only a journey about Bridget’s grief though, but also that of her children, particular her son Billy. His journey through grief was threaded through the whole story. Yes, obviously it is Bridget who gets all the focus and attention, this is the film. That said it was his journey through grief that spoke powerfully to me.

There is also the rather lovely relationship that eventually forms between Bridget and Billy’s science teacher Mr Wallacker. Now as their relationship, initially not romantic develops, there is a wonderful interplay between the secular and spiritual about life and death and what lives on. As I watched one scene the following from Forrest Church’s “Love and Death: My Journey Through the Vally of the Shadow” floated through my mind:

“Whatever happens to us after we die, life doesn’t end in oblivion. It continues in love, our own love, once given, everlasting. After death our bodies may be resurrected. Our Souls may transmigrate or become part of the heavenly pleroma. We may join our loved ones in Heaven. Or we may return the constituent parts of our being to the earth from which it came and rest in eternal peace. About life after death, no-one knows.

But about love after death, we surely know. The one thing that can never be taken from this world, even by death, is the love we have given before we die. Love I swear it, is immortal”

This is the beautiful message of the film. A similar message to that of the beautiful “No Matter What” by Debi Gliori, that I shared earlier “Small look at the stars – how they shine and glow, but some of those stars died a long time ago.” Still they shine in the evening skies. Love, like starlight, never dies”.

These were feelings expressed throughout the film, or at least this is what I heard, regardless of individuals foundational beliefs.

The film also humourously portrays what to do and what not to do when journeying with someone through grief. How to be a friend, or collegue or doctor. The key I have learnt is similar to those lessons from James 1 v 19 “You must understand this, my beloved:[g] let everyone be quick to listen, slow to speak…” So many folk wanted to get Bridget and the children through the grief, offered terrible and good advice, when the best thing to do is to simply accompany another through grief. If a person is allowed to do so, in time, life will continue one. The grief and love within it becomes a part of you and you live again. You feel what I felt on Monday morning watching Molly playing so alive in the park. Spring coming life, after another winter.

To live fully alive is to live with the whole of life, even the great sorrows. You don’t get to filter life

The Sufi mystic said to be as a ‘guest house’ and welcome each new arrival, even if it be a crowd of sorrows. Invite them in, Rumi says. Meet them at the door laughing, treat each guest honorably. They may be clearing you out for some new delight.

How many of us can say that grief is a welcome guest at our door? None I would suspect. And yet how many of us would not invite love in. Grief of course is the price we pay for love. It can seem too high a price at times. Grief is a hard companion. In her book “Companion through the Darkness” Stephanie Ericsson says,

“Grief is a tidal wave that overtakes you, smashes you up into its darkness, where you tumble and crash against unidentifiable surfaces, only to be thrown out on an unknown beach, bruised, reshaped.”

I once hear grief described as being like a vast and lonely plain where all the echoes are of only one sound; or that grief rises suddenly, in unexpected moments; or that it is a constant ache, ever present. C.S. Lewis once exclaimed, “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.” Grief is not easy and I’m sure none of us would wish to invite in this unwelcome guest. How many of us welcome it in others? How many can welcome it for a short while, but not for too long?

It is better by far to share it, to speak of it, though it is wrenching to do so. William Shakespeare noted: “Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o’er-fraught heart and bids it break.” The difficult path through grief is the only path that exists. “Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture,” invite it in. Don’t run from it, because you can’t escape it.

Grief does not always appear as tears, it affects people in different ways. Grief can make us cry uncontrollably and it can make us go numb. Grief can make us feel guilty or depressed or fearful or angry. Grief can cause emotional problems in our hearts and physical problems in our bodies. Grief can put us in a state of disbelief; it can make us withdraw; it can make us feel like we are going crazy. In other words, no matter what the textbook tells you, the stages of grief do not offer a direct route.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s model from her 1969 book suggests the passage is: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. It is often forgotten that Kubler-Ross also said the list is not comprehensive and can happen in any order.

There is a funny moment in the Bridget Jones film when her friends wanting her to get through the grief say she is going through the different stages, but not really understanding what they are. They want her get through, want her laughing again, but is so doing they are not allowing her to journey as she should. Grief is not some clinical journey that follows a set pattern. Grief is about love, human love, so how on earth could it be.

Grief is not an illness that we need to get over and recover from and then just leave behind. Remember grief is about love and the loss of the physical aspects of love, so to leave it behind, would be to let go of love. As Megan Devine has said:

"Grief no more needs a solution than love needs a solution. We cannot 'triumph' over death, or loss, or grief. They are immovable elements of being alive. If we continue to come at them as though they are problems to be solved, we'll never get solace or comfort in our deepest pain."

Grief is not an illness, unless you think that love is a disease in need of a cure.

When we lose someone we love, our lives are changed forever. Our lives will never be the same again. We don’t rise above our pain. We don’t pretend it’s not there. We don’t get over it. We live through it, and we are changed by it. Grieving, then, is more about transformation than transcendence. It is not about explaining loss or understanding why something happened. Grieving is about finding meaning in the absence of an explanation. Let me repeat that. Grieving is about finding meaning in the absence of an explanation.

And what is the meaning? Well the meaning is in the love that lives on. The love that is immortal. So beautifully portrayed in this delightful Romantic Comedy “Bridget Jones: Mad About the Boy” and articulated in the children’s story “No matter What”. I will repeat the final line to end this morning. “Large held Small snug as they looked out at the night, at the moon in the dark, and the stars shining bright. “Small look at the stars – how they shine and glow, but some of those stars died a long time ago.” Still they shine in the evening skies. Love, like starlight, never dies”.”

Love like starlight never dies.

Below is a video devotion based on the material in this "Blogspot"

"Anam Cara" & "The Good Friendship"

"At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us."

Albert Schweitzer

We meet many people throughout our lives; many of whom have the capacity to transform and affect our lives. I do from time to time give thanks with deep gratitude for those who lighted the flame within me; those who have rekindled the flame.

When I think of these people I am aware that some came into my life at a young age and have always remained. Others have come later, some have stayed for only a short time and others have remained. I am sure I have had similar impacts on the lives of others too, often without realising it. One lesson that life has taught me is that everything matters. Everything we say and everything we do matters, has some impact, even if we are not always aware of what this might be.

Many years ago I came across the following poem, it is very popular within recovery communities. I remember at the time I dismissed it in my arrogance. Over the years I have learnt to appreciate it and the truth I have discovered within it. It is by that prolific author “Unknown” and goes by the title “Reason, Season or Lifetime”

“Reason, Season, or Lifetime”

"People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant."

I am a very blessed person in so many ways. I have been loved by many people in my time on this earth. I have had and have known many friends. Now I’ve not always appreciated the friends I have known in my life, I have neglected the love offered to me. I have many friends in my life today, that said I wonder sometimes how many truly know me intimately, know me warts and all and beauty spots too. Well one or two do and these are the one or two I always turn to in my darkest moments when I need someone to just listen.

We all need someone or some people who we can truly be ourselves with. Everyone needs a good friend; we need friendship. By this I mean real physical, living breathing friendship.

One criticism of modern living is that we lack deep and meaningful friendships. While we claim to have many friends, our friendships lack real intimacy it is claimed. I suspect the reason for this is that the word "friend" itself has lost some of its depth of meaning. My facebook account says that I have 945 “friends”, but truth be told most of these people are not truly my friends. There are a number I have never physically met in the flesh and others that are merely passing acquaintances. That said there are also some of the most important people in my life on their too.

Please do not get me wrong I am not decrying social media it has its place, it fulfils a really important need in life; it allows people to communicate in intimate ways who cannot physically contact one another. That said it cannot fulfil some basic human needs that can only be filled by physical human interaction.

Yes I wonder sometimes if we have reduced the meaning of the word "friend". Certainly in terms of social media we have done so. When we talk about a friend in such an environment it has become almost a verb and not a noun. After all don’t we ask one another to “friend” each other? We don’t so much become friends, we ask if we can “friend” one another.

I have a confession to make and I’m afraid it’s a little embarrassing. I have a love for American situation comedies. I especially like the ones that are based around groups of people. Like so many others I loved “Friends” and these days I adore “The Big Bang Theory” and “How I Met Your Mother”. All three follow a similar format and are based around a group of six or seven friends and their trials and tribulations. These are referred to as “Flock” rather than “Family” comedies.

Something else that you may or may not know about me is that I spend a lot of time in coffee shops. Caffe Nero in Altrincham to be exact. I spend time both working and socialising there. I wrote this blogspot while sitting there only the other day. I also spend time meeting and chatting with friends there too, much like I used to in pubs in my drinking days. I have got to know many people while sitting there. It brings to mind an old Chinese proverb “It takes five cups of tea to know a person”, or in my case it takes 5 caffe latte’s to get to know a person.

I recently got into a conversations with a delightful young woman while sitting and working in cafe nero, we got into a fascinating conversation about friendship. She explained to me that she had been to a talk where a person claimed that we need to have five kinds of friends and that this is why there are 6 characters in “sit coms” like “Friends”

I can’t remember exactly what was said but it went something like the following. The first is a kind of soul mate, someone we connect with on a deep level like a blood brother or spirit sisters. Another is someone who we can turn to in times of trouble. A third is someone who can stimulate us intellectually, who we can share ideas etc with. Another is someone who we can just be crazy with, someone to have fun with. Finally we need someone who will stretch us and encourages us to be more than we can be.

I’ve been thinking about this conversation a lot these last few days and tried to work out if this is the case today or whether it has been the case at different times in my life. I hope I fulfilled these kind of friendships in the lives of others too. How about you? Do you have these kind of friends? Have you had such types in the past? Have you been one or other of these types of friend?

Now it seems that this idea of breaking friendships into types is not a new observation, it has been around since ancient times. It may not surprise you to hear that the ancient Greeks had a word for the love that exists between friends. They called this “Philia”. Now just to complicate matters this form of love was broken down into three subsets. The first being known as “friends of utility” such friends today would probably be business associates or acquaintances. The second type were known as “friends of pleasure”, these friends tended to share a common interest which when it came to an end so did the friendship. Neither of these two types were considered long-lasting or particularly intimate. The third type of “Philia” love though was different. It tended to be formed from the love of another’s character. It’s the type of friendship that endured and involved a deep intense intimacy and trust. Such friends were known as “The Good”. For such friendships to last they had to be mutual, free of expectations and characterised by honesty and trust.

"Everybody needs a good friend!"

Now “The Good” type of friendships seem hard to live up to and as such I suspect were rare in ancient times and perhaps even more so these days. If I honestly look at it I suspect that I have had only a handful of such friends in my life. I suspect that this is perhaps what is lacking in many people’s lives these days.

Maybe this is why so many people feel lonely these days, they lack such intimacy. For there is something deeply spiritual and soulful about such love. I suspect that it brings us close to God’s love, it is one way to know the “Love that is Divine.”

In “Four Loves” C.S. Lewis described such friendship love in the following way:

“It seems no wonder if our ancestors regarded Friendship as something that raised us almost above humanity. This love, free from instinct, free from all duties but those which love has freely assumed, almost wholly free from jealousy, and free without qualification from the need to be needed, is eminently spiritual. It is the sort of love one can imagine between angels.”

This got me thinking of the Celtic concept of “Anam Cara”. Anam Cara means “Soul Friend”. Anam being the Gaelic word for soul and Cara the word for friend. Now in the Celtic tradition an Anam Cara is a teacher, companion or spiritual guide. They are someone who you can share your inner most self with and thus unearth some of those hidden gems that we rarely let out in life and let shine. The two parties break through the usual human barriers to a deeper soul level, there is a deep sense of belonging and recognition involved in the relationship, both in the present moment but also the eternal. Such relationships tend to be mutual, they are two way, both parties grow from them; such relationships have the capacity to transforms and take us to deeper experiences of who we are and what life can be.

In my life there have been several people that have affected me in such a way, that I have connected with on a deeper level. They have allowed me to cross the threshold where the Divine and human ebb and flow into one another. They have taken me to places I never knew were possible. Not physical places, but spiritual places.

I am told that an Anam Cara is a loved one who awakens your life in order to free you to the undreamed of possibilities deep within you. I am blessed to have known some of these souls in my journey through life.

Some of them have been with me from my earliest memories; some have been in my life for a short time; some were old and wise and some were oh so young, their light shone for only a short time; some died far too soon and I wish it were not so. So many are no longer physically with me, they are “as the other side of the air”, but their soul is still alive in my soul, I know this to be true.

I am very blessed to have known so many of the people I have met in my life. They have touched me so deeply at times. They have become soul friends. This is why I know that everything we say and do and do not say and do not do is oh so important. Everything matters. We effect people’s lives in oh so many ways.

I’ve been thinking about this these last few days, ever since that encounter I had in the coffee shop. I ask that you do the same. Think about those people who you have connected with in a deep way, even if it was just for a very short time. Think about the people that have awakened something deep within you; think of those who have helped you know that love that is Divine, God’s love. Then think of those who you have touched deeply who you have helped awaken.

There are encounters that can shape us and change us forever. Some are for a reason, some for a season and some for a lifetime. We cannot know this when we first begin communicating with someone, although sometimes instinctively we do. Such encounters can lead to unknown transformations, for they reveal the love that is Divine. Let us stay open to them. You never know the next person you meet may become the “Good Friend” that transforms your life and you theirs.

I will end with the following "Friendship Blessing" by John O'Donohue, taken from his book "Anam Cara"

"A Friendship Blessing"

May you be blessed with good friends.
May you learn to be a good friend to yourself.
May you be able to journey to that place in your soul where
there is great love, warmth, feeling, and forgiveness.
May this change you.
May it transfigure that which is negative, distant, or cold in you.
May you be brought in to the real passion, kinship, and affinity of belonging.
May you treasure your friends.
May you be good to them and may you be there for them;
may they bring you all the blessing, challenges, truth,
and light that you need for your journey.
May you never be isolated.
May you always be in the gentle nest of belonging with your anam ċara.