The Opposite of Schadenfreude: Rejoicing in the Good Fortune of Others

I generally take a positive view of social media, as I do with most aspects of human interaction. When things are used in a positive way they enhance our lives. That said there are downsides. They can be misused. The one I have perhaps struggled with the most is what was once called Twitter and now X. I have never really got it. In fact, beyond posting my blog and videos I rarely interact. There is one person I love on Twitter though, this is Susie Dent from Dictionary Corner on Countdown. She is informative, funny and warm hearted. I have learnt so much from her in recent years as she has shared lost words, often as a way of social commentary. It was Susie who brought “respair” back into public consciousness, that word that means a new or fresh hope. She has also shared lost positive words, that are the opposite of negative versions that have remained in usage. Words like “gruntled”, meaning happy or contended, in good humour, it is the opposite of disgruntled; or “gormful, meaning sensible, not foolish or senseless, the opposite of gormless; or “ruthful”, meaning feeling or expressing pain or sorrow for wrong doing or causing offense, the opposite of ruthless; or feckful, meaning efficient or effective, the opposite of feckless. It is interesting that only the negative versions of these words have survived in common usage.

Another example, of the loss of positives, is the word “resentment”. I resent the word itself. Actually, what I resent is how I and others use the word. The word literally means to re-feel, to re-sense something. That said when we re-feel something wonderful or positive we do not say we resent it. There is no word in common usage that describes a positive way of re-sensing something.

Now one word that is in common usage, but we do not have an equivalent English word for is Schadenfreude, at least not in common usage. We used to have “epicaricacy”, but it has disappeared. Schadenfreude is the experience of pleasure , joy or self-satisfaction that comes from learning of or witnessing the troubles, failures, pain, or humiliation of another. A good example would be when a rival football team loses, or the political party you are opposed to suffers a humiliating loss. Or closer to home, someone trips over, provided they don’t get too hurt. When social media is at its worse it seems to be powered by such feelings; Schadenfreude seems to fuel Twitter or X.

Schadenfreude is derived from “Schaden” meaning damage or harm and “Freude” meaning Joy. We think of it as joy in someone’s misfortune. Now what is frustrating is that there isn’t a equivalent word for the opposite of Schadenfreude, say the joy in someone’s good fortune.

We have all lived through difficult times in recent years. As a result there are folk about who are trying to find ways to spread a little joy, to share good news as an antidote to the negativity abound. As a result people have begun using a new word -a neologism - “freudenfreude”. This is seen as the opposite of Schadenfreude.

“Freudenfreude” is described as positive empathy. It is the ability to feel someone else’s positive emotions as if they were your own. A small study published in the journal “Psychological Science” in August 2021 showed that this type of empathy helps people become kinder, more resilient and satisfied with their lives, it creates a sense of gratitude. It also brings people together, so it is thus an antidote to self-centredness. Social media at its worse can increase this insular self-cented way of seeing life.

Anyone can tap into the power of freudenfreude. All you have to do is look for the good things happening to people around you, look for the small examples of good news, not the big bad news on “X” or printed and tv news. Look around you, celebrate other people’s small successes. When you talk with the people in your life ask them about their joys and share in them. Do not be afraid to share your good news too, do not hide your light, let it shine. Be a bearer of the good news. It helps build community you know, something so needed in ever more isolating and isolated lives. This is not to say that we avoid one another’s troubles, freudenfreude is about developing empathy and you can’t have positive without negative. That said when we say we feel what you feel then we must feel positive as well as painful emotions. To feel with another is to do so wholly. This is true empathy.

Now when I think of someone who exemplified “Freudenfreude” Angela Fowler, a member of one of the congregations I serve, comes straight to mind. Sadly, Angela died on News Years Eve. What an example though of someone who encouraged and enjoyed the achievements of others. She did so much herself, despite her very real struggles in life. She certainly lived a life of gratitude and always made the most of every little thing that life gave to her. Not that Angela would have used the word “Freudenfreude”. She was an expert in language, speaking perfect French and was also fluent in German. So, I don’t want to insult her by not using correct language. Not that she would mind too much as she always encouraged me in my ministry and forgave all my terrible pronunciations.

Thankfully there is another word that means pretty much what “Freudenfreude” does. This is the ancient Sanskrit word “Mudita”. Mudita means vicarious joy or sympathetic joy. It is used in Buddhism to highlight the importance of feeling joy for others good fortune even if, or especially because, you do not directly benefit from it. Again, it suggests something community centred rather than merely self-centred.

There is a similar word in Hebrew too, this is “Firgun”, which describes the ungrudging pleasure one takes in someone else’s good fortune. A kind of generosity of spirit, an unselfish, empathetic joy that something good has happened or might happen to another person. I think both “Firgin” and “Mudita” apply to Angela and I am sure as someone who loved interfaith interaction it speaks powerfully to her personal soul.

I experienced a great deal of “Freudenfreude”, “Mudita” and “Firgin” last weekend. On Friday I was at a good friend, Ian Etto’s, album launch at Manchester Art Gallery. It was wonderful to be with Ian and Jules and countless other people from their lives as they performed and we all joined together in celebration. Both Ian and Jules have had their struggles in life and it was wonderful to see them shine their lights so bright and to be together with others sharing in their joy. On Saturday morning I opened proceedings at Altrincham “Court Leet”. During the proceedings Barbara Thackray, a congregational member, was made a “Freeman” of Altrincham. In recognition for the years of dedicated service raising money for St Anne’s Hospice, following the death of her sister. Barbara took up running about 10 years ago, in her mid 70’s. She runs 10k twice a week and runs in events around the area raising money. She has become bit of a celebrity, appearing all over local news and even being the star of an Adidas advert with Mo Salah, her smiling face being the last image as she runs along. It was such a joy sharing in Barbara’s recognition. So wonderful sharing with these people who are a rich part of my life and the lives of others too, who have known recent joys. Yes it is important to be with others in their struggles, but also their joys. This to me is what loving community is all about. I just wish we had a word in common usage to describe such a feeling and to shine that light bright for all to see. So, I am going to join in with those who are using the word “Freudenfreude”, lets make it word of the year for next year.

You may recall I was deeply effective in a positive way by Rutger Bregman’s “Humankind” a few years ago. It came out just as we went into lockdown during Covid. It was a brilliant book and was an antidote to a great deal of negativity about human nature being peddled at the time. He offered a different perspective and suggested, as many have before, that if we only portray a low opinion and expectation of humanity, then this is what we will see and experience. The problem is that we under estimate our capacity and only really promote bad news and bad behaviour. Now one of the solutions that he suggested is that we should come out of the closet for the good that we do and others do. That we need to learn to celebrate doing good and promote it. I see echoes of Freudenfreude in his proposals.

Now this probably sounds a little shocking as it seems to go against the grain of what we are taught to do, to not boast about the good we do. We need though to let our light shine, so that people see another example other than what we hear and read about on the news.

As Bregman highlights

“Unfortunately, this reticence works like a nocebo. When you disguise yourself as an egoist, you reinforce other people’s cynical assumptions about human nature. Worse by cloaking your good deeds, you place them in quarantine, where they can’t serve as an example for others. And that’s a shame, because Homo puppy’s secret superpower is that we’re so great at copying one another.”

I suspect the same applies with “freudenfreude”. Let us come out the closet about the good we do. Let us learn to celebrate the good fortune of others. Let us hold up these lights and share in each others good news. You never know we might just begin to change our world and become a beautiful antidote to the prevailing cynicism that others promote around the world.

Let us not hide the good in ourselves and each other. Let us not deny the dark, what is wrong in the world. It is there of course it, but it is not all that is there. There is goodness, there is light, there is joy and good things do happen for us and each other.

I’m going to end this morning with a classic story, one I have told before, but one that speaks powerfully to me at our human nature and the nature of life. That each of us has the capacity for good and bad within us, for both Schadenfreude and Freudenfreude, what matters is what aspect of ours and others humanity we shine a light on. It is titled “Two Wolves.”

One winter’s evening whilst gathered round a blazing camp fire, an old Sioux Indian chief told his grandson about the inner struggle that goes on inside people.

“You see” said the old man, “this inner struggle is like two wolves fighting each other. One is evil, full of anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, deceit, false pride, superiority, and ego”.

“The other one,” he continued, poking the fire with a stick so that the fire crackled, sending the flames clawing at the night sky, “is good, full of joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith”.

For a few minutes his grandson pondered his grandfather’s words and then asked, “So which wolf wins, grandfather?”

“Well”, said the wise old chief, his lined face breaking into a wry smile, “The one you feed!”

Please find below a video devotion based on the material in this "blogspot"

 

Courage: Living Wholeheartedly

Everyday I receive an extract from the writings of David Whyte. I mostly love and find them thought provoking and inspiring. I received the following about three weeks ago. It struck me at the time and has been singing in my soul ever since.

“Courage” by David Whyte

Courage is a word that tempts us to think outwardly, to run bravely against opposing fire, to do something under besieging circumstance, and perhaps, above all, to be seen to do it in public, to show courage; to be celebrated in story, rewarded with medals, given the accolade, but a look at its linguistic origins leads us in a more interior direction and toward its original template, the old Norman French, Coeur, or heart.

Courage is the measure of our heartfelt participation with life, with another, with a community, a work, a future. To be courageous, is not necessarily to go anywhere or do anything except to make conscious those things we already feel deeply and then to live through the unending vulnerabilities of those consequences. To be courageous is to seat our feelings deeply in the body and in the world: to live up to and into the necessities of relationships that often already exist, with things we find we already care deeply about: with a person, a future, a possibility in society, or with an unknown that begs us on and always has begged us on. Whether we stay or whether we go - to be courageous is to stay close to the way we are made."

...It planted a seed in my soul that has been singing ever since...

Last Monday, as part of “The Sylvan Social Group” get together Gwyneth Roper spoke on the “Hospice Movement”. She talked about its history, how it developed through the persistence and pioneering work of Dame Cecily Saunders. She talked about St Anne’s Hospice which serves the people of Greater Manchester and her own personal experiences of working and volunteering there. It was an informative and deeply moving talk, for many reasons. What struck me was the whole approach to those people that are cared and supported by the many hospices up and down the country. That they see their work as not only caring and relieving suffering but of enabling all those experiencing terminal illnesses to live right up to the end of their physical lives. It would seem that often people discover many things they never knew about themselves, even in those last days and months.

As I sat listening to Gwyneth and remembering my own recent experiences with hospices with family, friends and other acquaintances the word courage kept on forming in my heart and mind. I remember as I sat there, with one or two tears forming in my eyes that I kept on thinking to myself that this is what real courage is. This is truly living with a fully open heart.

Now courage is one of those interesting words. It conjures up the soldier on the battlefield or the figure running into a burning building to rescue those trapped in there, or someone standing up against an injustice and saying no. We only need open the daily paper to see examples of this kind of courage. That said I’m not convinced courage is exclusive to such acts; in fact such acts are probably more akin to bravery and or heroic deeds. Now of course a hero requires courage in order to perform heroic deeds, that said courage can be found in many other quarters too.

The word courage itself is one of those fascinating ones whose meaning has altered somewhat over time. It is formed from the French root “Cuer” meaning heart. To have courage is to have strength of heart. I have learnt that courage is far more than bravery and heroic deeds it is a consistent and sustaining love, it is a spiritual energy that holds us in sickness and in health in loss or disappointment. It is courage that animates our lives and inspires us to truly live, whatever befalls us in life.

Courage is that loving sustaining seed that lays within each of us. Courage is about having faith in something and that this something will hold us and guide us through whatever we experience in the journeys of our lives. Some have described it as the warrior spirit, but not in the sense that we usually understand a warrior.

In “Courage: Overcoming Fear and Igniting Self-Confidence” Debbie Ford claims that:

"Courage is a holy gift that exists within you. It's yours when you are ready to reunite with it. When you awaken to courage, it becomes an exciting, life-enhancing force that will lift you back into your power and guide you home to your authentic nature. The greatest act of courage is to be and to own all of who you are — without apology, without excuses, without masks to cover the truth of who you are. True courage comes not just from feeling confident and strong, but from being the honest, authentic expression of yourself. Think about how audacious it is to really believe in yourself. It takes a warrior's courage to acknowledge that your point of view matters, that your truth matters, that your gifts matter, and that your presence on this earth matters. You don't have to earn this right; it's yours as part of your birthright.”

To live as the true warrior, to live with courage is about living authentically with a cracked open heart, paradoxically this how we live truly wholeheartedly. It’s also about showing this heart to the world. Letting the world know you as you truly are, warts and all and beauty spots too.

One of my many roles as a minister is to conduct funerals and to write or at least deliver the eulogy of the deceased, to tell their story. This is always fascinating and moving, as well as deeply revealing. There is far more to the lives of each and every one of us than we could ever know. I recently attended the funerals of three friends and listened to the eulogies of them all. As I listened I realised how much I knew them and yet how little I knew them too.

It got me thinking about who really knows us at all? How many of us truly reveal our whole selves, our whole hearts? Do any of us have the warrior courage to truly do this, at any stage of our journeys through life?

I know that for long periods of my life I lived in a kind of bubble, in my own little world. I was recently reminded of this during a conversation with a friend. As we were talking a long forgotten memory came back to me - Sadly there are large chunks of my life that I have little or no memory of, although over the years these memories keep on returning. From where, I have no clue - When I was a teenager and at other times in my life I would often take myself off into Huddersfield, or sometimes Leeds and just wander around the streets alone and yet completely surrounded by people in a kind of bubble, not speaking or even communicating with others, looking at them but not really connecting. I did it at times in my twenties too, but thankfully it is not something I need to do any longer. I found the courage to burst that bubble of self-protection, as it no longer serves me. I have found the faith, to live open heartedly, to live whole heartedly.

I wonder sometimes as I sit drinking coffee outside Café Nero, as I did the other day, how many others amongst us live in our own little bubbles? How many of us circle around one another in our own little planetoids, never really connecting to one another. How many of us live lives of deadness, of non-being, closed in, shut down, in our own little jails.

It really does not have to be like this. We can live with courage and it begins by truly knowing ourselves. This is where spiritual practise comes in. Through spiritual practise we can reveal the inner landscape of our own lives, we can truly know who we are. We can reveal our authentic selves, which will enable us to live our lives fully. By doing so we can open our hearts and therefore live wholeheartedly; by doing so, I have discovered, we also begin to see the landscape of our common humanity. By knowing ourselves bridges are built that can help us better connect to lives of others. It helps us to see that whatever our different stories maybe, at whatever stage our lives may be at, the same spirit that animates our lives, animates theirs. We each of us live with the same longings, fears, doubts, hopes and regrets. Yes our stories are all different and yet they are all the same.

We are each of us adventurers on a journey, but it’s a journey that isn’t really going anywhere. The journey is not one of distance at all, but one of depth and one of revelation and above all else deeper and deeper connection. And what do we need to keep journeying on, we need courage; we need genuine sustaining courage, which enables us to live wholeheartedly.

We need to live with the spirit of the warrior, at whatever stage of life we are at. We need to bring this courage to life right to the very end and we can. Things can be revealed to us right up to those last moments before we draw our last physical breaths. We can continue to connect with others on a deeper level, even at the very end, if we keep the courage to live with cracked open hearts, if we live wholeheartedly.

Courage is a way of living and breathing it’s about living openly and vulnerably in the world. It is about living with our hearts cracked open and therefore wholeheartedly. It’s also about bringing this into our relationships with others. It’s about allowing them to truly know us, while we are still alive and therefore encouraging them to do likewise. We can do this at any stage of our lives, whether we are at the beginning or very near the end.

It's about en-couraging them opening our hearts to them and encouraging them to do likewise...

When does life really begin or end? Well I do not know the answer to this, but increasingly it seems that there really is no beginning and or end. We are a part of something that began way before we were born and continues on and on after we are gone. And what of the possibility of an after life? Well I cannot answer that. Whatever happens after our bodies breath their last breath, surely it cannot be any more strangely beautiful than this one we live now. Let's enjoy this beautiful journey, on the Road to Nowhere.

My message, in this little blogspot, is to live with courage whatever stage you are at in life. I say let courage open you to life whatever befalls you. Remember it is courage that is formed in the heart; it is courage that is the ultimate act of faith; it is courage that keeps us open to life; it is courage that allows us to know ourselves; it is courage that builds bridges between ourselves and others; it is courage that allows people to truly know us, no matter what stage of life we find ourselves.

Courage friends, courage…

I'm going to end this little chip of a blogspot with these rather lovely words "“Nothing to Fear” from “A Long Time Blooming” by Marta I Valentin

Go forth young child, and know that you do not walk alone, nor ever have.
You carry with you ancestral bonds that do not sever.
You carry with you familial love that does not end.
You carry with you the scents of sweet friendship a long time blooming…

Go forth, young child, with nothing to fear.
Open your heart to the crosscurrents of living.
Let others enter the circle of your tender loving arms.
Let others know the profundity of your sharp, inquiring mind.

Go, leave your mark upon the world, and continue to lift up your voice, there are many waiting to listen.