"No Matter What" by Debi Gliori
Small was feeling grim and dark. Playing toss and fling and squash, Yell and scream and bang and crash. Break and snap and bash and batter… “Good grief,” said Large. “What is the matter?” Small said “I’m a grim and grumpy little Small and nobody loves me at all.” “Oh Small,” said Large. “Grumpy or not, I’ll always love you no matter what.” Small said, “If I was a grizzly bear, would you still love me, would you care?” “Of course,” said Large, “bear or not, I’ll always love you no matter what.” Small said, “But if I turned into a bug, would you still love me and give me a hug?” “Of course,” said Large, “bug or not, I’ll always love you no matter what.” “No matter what?” said Small, and smiled, “What if I was a crocodile?” Large said “I’d hug you close and tight and tuck you up in bed each night”. “Does love wear out” said Small, “does it break or bend? Can you fix it, stick it, does it mend?” “Oh help,” said Large “I’m not that clever I just know I’ll love you for ever”. Small said “but what about when we're dead and gone, would you love me then, does love go on?” Large held Small snug as they looked out at the night, at the moon in the dark, and the stars shining bright. “Small look at the stars – how they shine and glow, but some of those stars died a long time ago.” Still they shine in the evening skies. Love, like starlight, never dies”.
A beautiful story don’t you think.
By the way apologies, I have a really heavy cold. I hope you can understand me.
Molly was full of life and love on Monday morning. I think she spent the best part of two hours running and playing in the park. It was a joy to see her running alive and enjoying the joys of spring. It did feel like it was in the air. I spent some of the time in conversation with a friend and her dog Ronnie, Molly’s favourite. They had a ball together. We also spent time talking about a few things, particularly friends who we have some concerns about. As is often the case I spent most of my time listening, I generally follow the suggestion from James 1 v 19-20 “You must understand this, my beloved:[g] let everyone be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger; 20 for your anger does not produce God’s righteousness. “ Something we could all do with paying attention to in this day and age. I did share a little about a sense of weariness this winter, that I felt surrounded by grief. Both congregations have lost several people this winter.
So, it was lovely to find myself walking in love and life and watching the signs of spring all around me, particularly in this sweet little dog.
I have been to the pictures a couple of times in recent weeks. I enjoyed both occasions, sharing with friends and enjoying the whole cinema experience at “Everyman” in Altrincham . I have been to see two very different films. The first being “A Complete Unknown” the Bob Dylan biopic, which was superb. The second being very different “Bridget Jones; Mad About the Boy”, the fourth instalment in the Bridget Jones series. I think I have seen the original and perhaps another one. I have to say it is not something that has been high my lists of interests.
So, I began to watch, with not a great deal of expectation. I surprised myself though as I got caught up in the humour, which was easy to engage in and the quality of the actors and characters. It is of course a romantic love story, these films always are. That said what got me, what held me, was when I realised it truly was a love story, but not the kind you would expect. It was a story about grief. Grief of course is all about love. In fact grief is the price we pay for love. We all love and thus we all grieve when that which we love is lost.
It is a story of about Bridget beginning to live again after the loss of her husband Mark D’Arcy, the father of two children Billy and Mabel. It is a funny and poignant portrayal, sweet and painful at times. It also has this rather lovely ability to explore all the experiences and stages of grief; all the different conversations and reactions to grief and those who grieve; it explored the spiritual, religious, psychological, social and plain old human experiences that all who grieve and begin to live again will experience. It is not only a journey about Bridget’s grief though, but also that of her children, particular her son Billy. His journey through grief was threaded through the whole story. Yes, obviously it is Bridget who gets all the focus and attention, this is the film. That said it was his journey through grief that spoke powerfully to me.
There is also the rather lovely relationship that eventually forms between Bridget and Billy’s science teacher Mr Wallacker. Now as their relationship, initially not romantic develops, there is a wonderful interplay between the secular and spiritual about life and death and what lives on. As I watched one scene the following from Forrest Church’s “Love and Death: My Journey Through the Vally of the Shadow” floated through my mind:
“Whatever happens to us after we die, life doesn’t end in oblivion. It continues in love, our own love, once given, everlasting. After death our bodies may be resurrected. Our Souls may transmigrate or become part of the heavenly pleroma. We may join our loved ones in Heaven. Or we may return the constituent parts of our being to the earth from which it came and rest in eternal peace. About life after death, no-one knows.
But about love after death, we surely know. The one thing that can never be taken from this world, even by death, is the love we have given before we die. Love I swear it, is immortal”
This is the beautiful message of the film. A similar message to that of the beautiful “No Matter What” by Debi Gliori, that I shared earlier “Small look at the stars – how they shine and glow, but some of those stars died a long time ago.” Still they shine in the evening skies. Love, like starlight, never dies”.
These were feelings expressed throughout the film, or at least this is what I heard, regardless of individuals foundational beliefs.
The film also humourously portrays what to do and what not to do when journeying with someone through grief. How to be a friend, or collegue or doctor. The key I have learnt is similar to those lessons from James 1 v 19 “You must understand this, my beloved:[g] let everyone be quick to listen, slow to speak…” So many folk wanted to get Bridget and the children through the grief, offered terrible and good advice, when the best thing to do is to simply accompany another through grief. If a person is allowed to do so, in time, life will continue one. The grief and love within it becomes a part of you and you live again. You feel what I felt on Monday morning watching Molly playing so alive in the park. Spring coming life, after another winter.
To live fully alive is to live with the whole of life, even the great sorrows. You don’t get to filter life
The Sufi mystic said to be as a ‘guest house’ and welcome each new arrival, even if it be a crowd of sorrows. Invite them in, Rumi says. Meet them at the door laughing, treat each guest honorably. They may be clearing you out for some new delight.
How many of us can say that grief is a welcome guest at our door? None I would suspect. And yet how many of us would not invite love in. Grief of course is the price we pay for love. It can seem too high a price at times. Grief is a hard companion. In her book “Companion through the Darkness” Stephanie Ericsson says,
“Grief is a tidal wave that overtakes you, smashes you up into its darkness, where you tumble and crash against unidentifiable surfaces, only to be thrown out on an unknown beach, bruised, reshaped.”
I once hear grief described as being like a vast and lonely plain where all the echoes are of only one sound; or that grief rises suddenly, in unexpected moments; or that it is a constant ache, ever present. C.S. Lewis once exclaimed, “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.” Grief is not easy and I’m sure none of us would wish to invite in this unwelcome guest. How many of us welcome it in others? How many can welcome it for a short while, but not for too long?
It is better by far to share it, to speak of it, though it is wrenching to do so. William Shakespeare noted: “Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o’er-fraught heart and bids it break.” The difficult path through grief is the only path that exists. “Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture,” invite it in. Don’t run from it, because you can’t escape it.
Grief does not always appear as tears, it affects people in different ways. Grief can make us cry uncontrollably and it can make us go numb. Grief can make us feel guilty or depressed or fearful or angry. Grief can cause emotional problems in our hearts and physical problems in our bodies. Grief can put us in a state of disbelief; it can make us withdraw; it can make us feel like we are going crazy. In other words, no matter what the textbook tells you, the stages of grief do not offer a direct route.
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s model from her 1969 book suggests the passage is: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. It is often forgotten that Kubler-Ross also said the list is not comprehensive and can happen in any order.
There is a funny moment in the Bridget Jones film when her friends wanting her to get through the grief say she is going through the different stages, but not really understanding what they are. They want her get through, want her laughing again, but is so doing they are not allowing her to journey as she should. Grief is not some clinical journey that follows a set pattern. Grief is about love, human love, so how on earth could it be.
Grief is not an illness that we need to get over and recover from and then just leave behind. Remember grief is about love and the loss of the physical aspects of love, so to leave it behind, would be to let go of love. As Megan Devine has said:
"Grief no more needs a solution than love needs a solution. We cannot 'triumph' over death, or loss, or grief. They are immovable elements of being alive. If we continue to come at them as though they are problems to be solved, we'll never get solace or comfort in our deepest pain."
Grief is not an illness, unless you think that love is a disease in need of a cure.
When we lose someone we love, our lives are changed forever. Our lives will never be the same again. We don’t rise above our pain. We don’t pretend it’s not there. We don’t get over it. We live through it, and we are changed by it. Grieving, then, is more about transformation than transcendence. It is not about explaining loss or understanding why something happened. Grieving is about finding meaning in the absence of an explanation. Let me repeat that. Grieving is about finding meaning in the absence of an explanation.
And what is the meaning? Well the meaning is in the love that lives on. The love that is immortal. So beautifully portrayed in this delightful Romantic Comedy “Bridget Jones: Mad About the Boy” and articulated in the children’s story “No matter What”. I will repeat the final line to end this morning. “Large held Small snug as they looked out at the night, at the moon in the dark, and the stars shining bright. “Small look at the stars – how they shine and glow, but some of those stars died a long time ago.” Still they shine in the evening skies. Love, like starlight, never dies”.”
Love like starlight never dies.
Below is a video devotion based on the material in this "Blogspot"
