Blue Monday: Finding Comfort, Solace and Joy in Winter

Today Monday 15th of January has become one of those days that have been marked out on the yearly calendar. Not an official public holiday, there isn’t one until Easter. That said it is still a day we mark. It is known as “Blue Monday”, no I don’t mean the song by New Order. “Blue Monday” has become regarded as the hardest day of the year, afterall the Christmas spirit has all gone and we are right in depths of winter. It is dark, it is cold and there is little light around, Spring seems so far away. The day light hours will increase over the coming weeks but still we must face winter. January and February can be difficult as we feel stuck in the cold on these dark winter evenings.

Winter is not an easy time, so many of us want it over as soon as possible. We want spring and the new birth and life that it brings, but that is not the way to live and we know it. To live, always looking towards the spring yet to come, is to fail to fully experience what is present now. There is such richness in the dark cold of winter and we need to feel it and allow our eyes to adjust to the darkness. There is a beautiful wonder about winter that we would do well to embrace. There is a need to embrace and fully experience the darkness, the lifelessness and the starkness of this time of year. We should not wish it all away, for everything there is a season and a time for everything under the sun.

Whenever I look at the winter world it looks barren and bleak. Like those trees I passed as I wandered round Dunham Massey with Molly and a friend the other day. The trees look so vulnerable just standing there all alone and yet I know they are alive, standing there bold and upright. They remind me of my own vulnerability and my exposure to the cold of winter and to the challenges of life, challenges I do not shrink from, even though I do from time to time feel tempted to do so.

Like everyone I want to feel safe, protected and warm, I want comfort, I seek solace, I do not want to feel cold, exposed and vulnerable. It is a refuge that we all seek; often it is a refuge that folk seek and believe they will find in religion and spirituality. This sense that we are protected and safe, but is it realistic? So often we seek protection from the troubles of life, from its winter. If life has taught me anything it has shown me that the insulation I often seek so easily becomes isolation. These attempts to protect myself from exposure only increase the suffering. If I have learnt anything in life it’s that self-protection just cuts you off and leaves you feeling all alone, once again. What is needed to live through the winter is comfort and solace, not isolation.

Comfort and solace offer something different; something so needed in winter; something that can be found in many ways. I was thinking of this as I enjoyed some traditional Transylvania soup that a friend had given me, a chicken type broth. It brought comfort to my body, but also my soul. It truly was chicken soup for the heart, the body and the soul.

One of the advantages of ministry is that it really forces you to pay attention to the passing seasons. By doing so you learn to appreciate what each has to offer. Winter has so much to offer if we would but let ourselves appreciate it. I think the trees in winter have much to teach we who would prefer to hibernate. If I have learnt anything I have learnt that the spiritual life is about living openly and vulnerably, it’s about accepting the reality of life. It’s about standing their upright, arms outstretch in the cold vulnerability of life waiting for the time of re-birth and renewal in whatever form this takes, just like the trees in winter.

That said we also need solace and comfort. Unlike those trees we have one another. We can share in each others warmth and we can seek help and comfort from both visible and invisible sources. This is how we live through winter, we find its power and beauty and instead of hibernating we learn to live fulling alive; we do not have to just survive, we can learn to thrive. Sometimes all you need is a bowl of soup, whether that be for the body, the heart and or the soul.

We all need solace, we all need comfort and consolation in times of distress. It is wonderful to be able to receive both visible and invisible help at such times.

As David Whyte so beautifully put in his essay on the word “Solace”

“Solace is not an evasion, nor a cure for our suffering, nor a made up state of mind. Solace is a direct seeing and participation; a celebration of the beautiful coming and going, appearance and disappearance of which we have always been a part. Solace is not meant to be an answer, but an invitation, through the door of pain and difficulty, the depth of suffering and simultaneous beauty in the world that the strategic mind by itself cannot grasp nor make sense of.”

Solace isn’t just about comforting as we understand it today, as a “there, there”, in its original meaning there is a sense of pleasure and joy too. This brings to mind the 5th verse of the 30th Psalm “Despair may last for a night, but joy comes in the morning.” I and friends were sharing in joy early on Tuesday morning, there was much laughter in our coming together. Yes, some had their struggles and were offered comfort, a hug and listening ear, but we also shared in solace together as we laughed and had real fun. This is true solace and it certainly warmed our cockles on that cold winters morning.

Another thing that has been bringing me solace, a great deal of joy in fact, in recent weeks has been remembering songs my dad and grandad used to sing to me as a child. I have been sharing them with friends. They were often rude and funny musical songs, with a Yorkshire twist. Sometimes a little naughty, but always good hearted. They brought me solace when I was a child and they have been bringing me solace this winter.

Such as “I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts”

I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts
Seem them all a standing in a row
Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head
A turn of the wrist a flick of the fist and up the showman said

I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts
Every ball you throw will make me rich
There stands my wife, the idol of me life
Singing roll a bowl a ball a penny a pitch

Singing Roll a bowl, a ball, a penny, a pitch
Roll a bowl, a ball, a penny, a pitch
Roll a bowl, a ball, roll a bowl, a ball
Singing roll a bowl a ball a penny a pitch

Rememebring these old songs has brought me much solace these last few weeks.

Where do we seek solace, when life is difficult? Where do we turn for comfort? Comfort is another of those interesting words that does not mean exactly what it once did.

Comfort comes from the Latin word comfortare, which means “strengthen greatly.” To give comfort is to shore up the mood or physical state of someone else. It may take quite some time to shore up someone when they are lost, in a state or despair, or deep depression. It takes more than just going for a walk, taking flowers, encouraging them to find a love and connection through nature. Yes, these help, of course they do, but you cannot just lift a deep state of depression this way. The support maybe needed for quite some time. To strengthen someone greatly takes some time and effort and above all consistency. It’s about standing or sitting with someone through what is at times a long haul. This is counter intuitive to our age. We are living through the age of the quick fix.

When you are struggling in the need for comfort and solace it can feel like it will never end, a bit like a long cold winter. It will though, at least if we find ways to stick with it, if we find comfort and solace to keep on living through the winter. As Wendell Berry so beautifully put it in “Hannah Coulter”

“You think winter will never end, and then, when you don't expect it, when you have almost forgotten it, warmth comes and a different light.”

Winter is not an easy time, so many of us want it over as soon as possible. We want spring and the new birth and life that it brings, but that is not the way to live and we know it. To live, always holding on to the spring yet to come, is to fail to fully experience what is present now. There is such richness in the dark cold of winter and we need to feel it and allow our eyes to adjust to the darkness. There is a beautiful wonder about winter that we would do well to embrace.

We do not have to do so alone though. We can seek comfort and solace from one another. We can walk through this season together, experiencing it all, wholly alive. We can offer comfort and solace. Whether that is by being with one another in our shared suffering, offering something that warms the body, the heart and soul, like that bowl of soup. Solace can also come with joy and laughter. I was with friends on Friday night at my friends album launch in Manchester. A wonderful night of shared celebration. It was just wonderful watching friends shine, following their bliss. It can come in walking together on cold days enjoying the splendour of nature. It can come in so many ways. I hope you all have your oen Molly’s. She is such a treasure, who brings comfort, solace and above all joy to so more, not least me.

Where do you find comfort? Where do you find solace in the cold of winter. How do you find ways to stay alive and awake, rather than hibernate? How can you find ways to support and comfort those struggling around you? How can you offer solace? Whether by shoring someone up or bringing joy to their hearts, Perhaps something to think about this morning, rather than sinking into “Blue Monday”

I will end today with these beautiful words by Kathleen McTigue. A “Winter Blessing”

“Winter Blessing” Kathleen Mctigue

The world catches our hearts through its light:
splintering dance of sun on water,
calm moonlight poured through branches,
candles lit on early winter evenings,
a splatter of stars on a clear night,
and the bright eyes of those we love.
But the brilliance never ends,
even when the light goes out.
Mystery shimmers and shines in the world
in even the darkest corners.
It’s there where the roots push life into soil and rock,
in small lives lived under every stone;
there is the silent pulse beneath the tree bark.
It’s in the depth of slow tides as they turn,
there in the sky on moonless nights
when muffling clouds block out the stars.
It’s there in the prison, the hospital,
by hospice bed,
there at the graveside, in the empty house –
something beating in the dark shelter
of our hearts -
the small shine of hope, the gilt edge of kindness.

May we be granted the gift of deeper sight
that we might see – with or without the light.

Below is a video devotion based on the material in this devotion

To Offer Solace: To Receive Comfort

I wasn’t feeling my best last Monday morning, my mood was low. I was wondering what people would think of me, having learnt of the news of Sue and mine’s separation. I had spent a good week off, with friends and family. Trying to come to terms with things and myself. My own disappointments, mainly with myself and my failings. I was also feeling a sense of disgust and despair at the world in general. I think the reports of the trouble at the football game the night before and the vile racist abuse directed towards the young men who had missed the penalties was weighing heavily on my heart. Sue and myself messaged one another. She had been taking care of her spiritual needs that morning. She suggested that I needed to buy myself some flowers or a plant. I replied that I needed to seek solace today and that it sounded like a good idea.

I set off into Altrincham, to the supermarket and then the gym. I passed two friends I often see sitting outside Café Nero. One of them owns a beautiful chocolate Labrador. She is an old girl, but a lovely one, the dog I mean. As I passed, I didn’t see the dog and I had this horrible feeling in my stomach. There were other people talking to them, one with a dog, but as I passed, I couldn’t see the Labrador. Thankfully when I returned a little later, there she was. It is funny though that I didn’t see her the first time, it said something about the state of my mind and heart.

I went through my routine at the gym. It was quiet for a Monday morning. No doubt folk were nursing headaches from the night before. I got through my routine, but barely spoke to anyone. As I left my head was still down. Oddly this actually helped me on Monday, which is a rare thing indeed. I noticed something I wouldn’t normally see. It was sign right there written into the paving stone outside what used to be Rackhams. It read “Not So Secret Garden: A garden is a delight to the eye and a solace for the soul”. With arrows pointing upwards towards a recently created artificial garden, café and large area of outside seating and play area right in the middle of Altrincham high street. It lifted my head up and my spirits too. I then began to notice all kinds of beautiful and wonderful things that brought solace to my heart and soul. It helped me reconnect and I returned to begin my work, there was much to do after a week off.

Solace was on my mind and how important it is to discover in times of trouble and struggle. We all need help at times, both visible and invisible. I had a day filled with lovely encounters and conversations. Some beautiful messages either direct or passed on to me by members of the congregations. I cannot begin to tell you how it feels to be loved so deeply. So many offering support to both myself and Sue. It touched me deeply.

We all need solace, we all need comfort and consolation in times of distress. It is wonderful to be able to receive both visible and invisible help at such times. I had spent quite a bit of last week with family and friends. It was helpful. I also spent some time offering solace to an old friend from university days who sadly is suffering with severe mental health troubles. He is currently staying in a hospital in the North West, although he lives in London. Despite the fact that he is struggling there was a strange joy in being together, catching up after all this time and rekindling an old bond and friendship. We shared many memories together, many joys and many pains.

Last week spending time with him and others brought a soothing, a comfort to my heart and soul. It is something in the deep bonding and reconnecting. That said it was painful too, seeing an old friend suffering so. Solace isn’t just about comforting as we understand it today, as a “there, there”, in its original meaning there is a sense of pleasure and joy too. As there was in the conversation with my friend, there was laughter too. Solace is about reconnecting with life once again, something I was beginning to feel all through Monday, so many gifts of reconnection came my way.

As David Whyte so beautifully put in his essay on the word “Solace”

“Solace is not an evasion, nor a cure for our suffering, nor a made up state of mind. Solace is a direct seeing and participation; a celebration of the beautiful coming and going, appearance and disappearance of which we have always been a part. Solace is not meant to be an answer, but an invitation, through the door of pain and difficulty, the depth of suffering and simultaneous beauty in the world that the strategic mind by itself cannot grasp nor make sense of.”

Now some have wrongly suggested that the words “solar” and “Solace” are etymologically related, they are not. Solar comes from Solaris, meaning of the sun, from “sol” where as “solace has a completely different root, meaning comfort and consolation.

That said I know just getting up early and watching another sunrise is a beautiful source a comfort to so many, a true solace. On Monday morning a beautiful facebook memory came up, a reflection by Parker J Palmer, on another sunrise, which includes the beautiful poem “The Sun” by Mary Oliver. Mary’s work is another solace to me. Parker wrote of the poem and the sunset:

“Your few minutes with the sun this morning will mean nothing if you spend the rest of the day turning away from the world’s wonders to obsess over your ego-needs.

Do your work, yes. But remember that you're sustained by visible and invisible powers too vast and mysterious to understand. As the day goes on, look out, look up, and simply say, “Thanks."”

I spent Monday being offered this opportunity and taking it. Here is Mary’s poem:

“The Sun” by Mary Oliver

Have you ever seen
Anything
in your life
more wonderful

than the way the sun,
every evening,
relaxed and easy,
floats toward the horizon

and into the clouds or the hills,
or the rumpled sea,
and is gone--
and how it slides again

out of the blackness,
every morning,
on the other side of the world,
like a red flower

streaming upward on its heavenly oils,
say, on a morning in early summer,
at its perfect imperial distance--
and have you ever felt for anything
such wild love--
do you think there is anywhere, in any language,
a word billowing enough
for the pleasure

that fills you,
as the sun
reaches out,
as it warms you

as you stand there,
empty-handed--
or have you too
turned from this world--

or have you too
gone crazy
for power,

Where do we seek solace, when life is difficult? I was thinking of the young footballers who had missed the penalties last Sunday night. They were consoled by their teammates and of course their manager who himself had suffered the very same fate in 1996.

Gareth Southgate was asked what he had said to one the players, the 19 year old Saka to bring him comfort. He said “that it is my responsibility”, not the players. It is rare to see a leader truly take responsibility in our current age. Gareth is a wonderful example of leadership. That said it wasn't he who suffered the abuse, it was the players.

No doubt they will be fine, they will be supported by their colleagues and clubs and decent supporters. There are many others in life who are not as fortunate as these wealthy and generally much loved young men. People who have little or no support, where do they turn for comfort, for solace? There is much suffering around us, whether on a material, mental health and or spiritual level. I was out with friends on Saturday night and noticed some destitute folk stopping cars in the middle of the road in Rusholm, begging for money. We have a growing homelessness problem in this country and a mental health epidemic that will hit us hard in the next months, particularly amongst the young. Where and how do we offer solace? Where and how do we offer comfort to those in and around us?

To quote Isiah 40 v 1 “Comfort ye, comfort ye my people, saith your God.”

Comfort is another of those interesting words that does not mean exactly what we thought it meant. I had a conversation with Hugh, from Urmston about this recently following a Sunday service. He highlighted the origins of the word “comfort”. As we understand it today to offer comfort is to soothe, to offer solace. This though is not what it originally meant.

Comfort comes from the Latin word comfortare, which means “strengthen greatly.” To give comfort is to shore up the mood or physical state of someone else. It may take quite some time to shore up someone when they are lost, in a state or despair, or deep depression. It takes more than just going for a walk, taking flowers, encouraging them to find a love and connection through nature. Yes, these help, of course they do, but you cannot just lift a deep state of depression this way. The support maybe needed for quite some time. To strengthen someone greatly takes some time and effort and above all consistency.

Parker J Palmer has spoken a great deal about the various periods of depression that he has suffered throughout his life. Here is an extract from a podcast shared by “On Being” where he described the responses of friends to a particularly severe bout.

“I had folks coming to me, of course, who wanted to be helpful; and sadly, many of them weren’t. These were the people who would say, “Gosh, Parker, why are you sitting in here being depressed? It’s a beautiful day outside. Go feel the sunshine and smell the flowers.” And that, of course, leaves a depressed person even more depressed, because while you know, intellectually, that it’s sunny out and that the flowers are lovely and fragrant, you can’t really feel any of that in your body, which is dead in a sensory way. And so you’re left more depressed by this “good advice” to get out and enjoy the day…”

…He continued…

“There was this one friend who came to me, after asking permission to do so, every afternoon about 4:00, sat me down in a chair in the living room, took off my shoes and socks, and massaged my feet. He hardly ever said anything — he was a Quaker elder — and yet, out of his intuitive sense, from time to time would say a very brief word, like: “I can feel your struggle today,” or, farther down the road, “I feel that you’re a little stronger at this moment, and I’m glad for that.” But beyond that, he would say hardly anything. He would give no advice. He would simply report, from time to time, what he was intuiting about my condition. Somehow, he found the one place in my body, namely, the soles of my feet, where I could experience some sort of connection to another human being. And the act of massaging just — in a way that I really don’t have words for — kept me connected with the human race.”

It is pretty clear who were the people that helped Parker through this dark time in his life. The ones who offered him solace, who gave him true comfort. Of course, this last eighteen months it has become even harder to offer such comfort due to the conditions we have had to live through in order to try and contain the virus. How though do we offer comfort to one another as we move on through life? Well, we have to become ever more creative.

We have been haven’t we and we continue to do so. Why because we are resilient, and love wins out. There are gifts, there is solace, there is comfort all around us. We can offer it to one another or at least remind one another where to find it. I got my flowers as suggested, although they were not bought from a supermarket or picked from a garden. They were sent to me by an old dear friend who sent a clip of himself playing “Sunflowers” by Paul Weller. Just what the doctor ordered. They brought solace, they brought comfort, just when I needed them most. Thank God my senses were alive enough to receive them.

I’m going to end with these words of blessing by John O’Donohue “For Suffering”

May you be blessed in the holy names of those
Who, without you knowing it,
Help to carry and lighten your pain.

May you know serenity
When you are called
To enter the house of suffering.

May a window of light always surprise you.

May you be granted the wisdom
To avoid false resistance;
When suffering knocks on the door of your life,
May you glimpse its eventual gifts.

May you be able to receive the fruits of suffering.

May memory bless and protect you
With the hard-earned light of past travail;
To remind you that you have survived before
And though the darkness now is deep,
You will soon see the approaching light.

May the grace of time heal your wounds.

May you know that though the storm might rage,
Not a hair of your head will be harmed.

by John O’Donohue

Please click here to watch a video recording of the materila found in this blog