Speaking Truth in Love: The Three Fold Test

I recently attended a district meeting of our local congregations, it was the annual AGM. Sue came into town with me, not to attend the meeting. No, she went to do some shopping. We both got off the tram at the top of Market Street. Sue headed to Afflex Palace while I headed towards Cross Street Chapel. I had almost an hour to spare, so I sauntered slowly through the crowds. It was utter bedlam. It wasn’t so much the shoppers as folk selling their wares. Whether that be goods or ideas. There was lots of football paraphernalia on sale, after all it was the Manchester derby the next day. I passed a slightly crazed preacher calling out the “sinners” in the city and the world, preaching the word of a God I don’t relate to. There were others promoting their own religious traditions and of course political causes. There was also a young four-piece band playing and being filmed. As I reached the bottom of Market Street I was confronted with a silent protest with some horrific video images being played. I walked through utter chaos, everyone was shouting, nay screaming at one another. They were all drowning each other out, so much so I couldn’t really hear a thing that was being said. As the song goes “Everybody’s talking at me, but I don’t hear a word they are saying”. Only they weren’t talking, they were screaming about their causes. Some very worthy ones, I’m just not sure that this is the way to carry a message.

I just wanted to get away, to find some peace before the meeting I was not feeling particularly enthusiastic about. I carried on walking. I was not yet ready to go and sit in Cross Street Chapel, I wanted a little peace in the crazy city. I headed to Saint Ann’s Square I wanted to sit quietly and pray alone. It was a wise choice. As I reached the square I heard the most beautiful tenor voice singing an aria. I sat down on a bench and just sank into the music as it touched my soul, my spirit, as I connected in prayerful inner silence. After fifteen minutes I rose again, put some money in the man’s pot and went to the meeting.

The meeting was conducted in a good spirit. There were opinions expressed, people agreed and disagreed. Much was discussed and it was all done deeply respectfully; strong opinions were expressed and we all listened to one another lovingly and respectfully. A lot was left unresolved but the meeting lifted my spirits. Not because of the decisions that were reached, it was not a great success in that sense, but the respect in which the meeting was conducted. It was good to be in this spiritual oasis in the heart of what seemed at times a crazy city.

Sadly this appears to be a rare thing in our day and age; it seems that we, the people, are always shouting at one another these days. Discourse and dialogue has on the whole gone the way of the dodo, we have all but lost civility and respect. Truth is hard to find too. It seems that so many of our public figures are crying wolf all the time. Who do we trust, who do we believe? It would appear that debate is more about proving how wrong the other is rather speaking truth in love. It seems that everybody is shouting at each other, who amongst us hears a single word that is being said.

Of all the crisis that we face in this our current age, I suspect that one of the most destructive is one of love, respect and dare I say civility. We need to stop seeing one another as the enemy who we must defeat.

Now one place where decency and civility in discourse has all but disappeared is on our online discourse. I suspect that most folk could do with some lessons in minding our cyber manners. An example of this was shared at the MDA meeting I attended about inconsiderate behaviour on a denominational facebook page. It happens in all walks of life. Online abuse and bullying is growing. People say and share things online that they would never dream of doing face to face. Online interaction is not the same as face to face interaction, but the damage done by inconsiderate behaviour can be equally destructive. Lies are also spread far more easily on such forums. People are disbelieved, public figures are not trusted and in our current climate we do need to trust medical experts etc. The capacity to appear almost anonymous online can lead to ugly lies being spewed without constraint, these can lead to the destruction of reputations.

Now please don’t me wrong I am not wishing to come across as what some describe as a “snowflake” healthy dialogue is vital, criticism is too. The problem stems from how we communicate and offer our criticism. There is also the need to for humour too. I saw much of this at the MDA meeting, which included healthy teasing, what some call banter. I witnessed it last Monday too at my stag do as friends engaged in gentle teasing of one another about their differing political views.

Humour is so vital in life and loving teasing is an expression of this. As William B Irvine put it in “A Slap in the Face: Why Insults Hurt- And Why They Shouldn’t”

"Playful teasing is one important way in which social bonds are strengthened. You don't, if you have any sense, tease strangers on the bus, since they will find your behavior insulting. Nor do you tease people you have just met. But if you know someone and want your relationship with that person to be even closer, teasing is one way to achieve your goal. Teasing implies a level of acceptance and even intimacy. Indeed, if no one ever teases you, it could well be because you don't have any close friends.”

If you spend time in my family teasing or joshing as we used to call is a real sign of deep affection. No doubt I will be getting a roasting next Saturday as my brother gives his Best Man speech.

There is a place for loving humour in the way we communicate with each other. It is a vital aspect of human bonding.

So I’ve laid out a few of the problems, all well and good you may well say, but what about solutions, other than developing a sense of humour. How should we communicate? Is there a way to do so in loving and honest ways, particularly when it comes to public dialogue? Well I believe that there is.

Perhaps the “Three Fold Test” for right speech might be an answer.

According to this test there are three things that we ought to ask ourselves before speaking

Is it kind?

Is it true?

Is it necessary?

Apparently It dates back to 1835 and a poem by Beth Day, titled “Three Gates of Gold”. This is how it goes...

If you are tempted to reveal
A tale to you someone has told
About another, make it pass,
Before you speak, three gates of gold;
These narrow gates. First, “Is it true?”
Then, “Is it needful?” In your mind
Give truthful answer. And the next
Is last and narrowest, “Is it kind?”
And if to reach your lips at last
It passes through these gateways three,
Then you may tell the tale, nor fear
What the result of speech may be.

Now no doubt this poem was influenced by an old Sufi tradition which suggests that we should only speak after our words have managed to pass through four gates.

At the first gate we should ask ourselves “Are these words true?” If so then we let them pass through; if not, then back they must go. At the second gate we ask; “Are these words necessary?” At the third we ask; “Are these words beneficial?” At the fourth gate we ask, “Are they kind?” If we answer no to any of these questions, then what we are about to say ought to be left unsaid.

Luminaries from Sai Baba to Eleanor Roosevelt have offered variations on the same theme over the years “Is it kind, is it true, is it necessary”. There is also the “Triple Filter Test”, usually attributed to Socrates which asked if it is “true, good or useful.”

The ”test” in its various forms is an example of “Right Speech”

Right Speech is central to both Christian and Buddhist morality.

“Samma Vaca” is the third aspect of “The Noble Eightfold Path”, in Buddhism. It is basically abstinence from gossip, slander, lying, maliciousness and hate speech. So to speak wisely or rightly is to do so truthfully with kindness, purpose and meaning. It is usually translated as “right speech”, although scholars suggest that a more accurate translation is actually “wise speech”.

There are many passage in both the Old and New Testament that refer to “Right Speech. from Psalm 19 “Let the words of my mouth and meditation of my heart be acceptable to you, O God.” In the New Testament the book of James makes reference to how a person should use their mouth “With it we bless God, and with it we curse those who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing.” the book of Ephesians, chapter four, verse 25 states “So then, putting away falsehood, let all of us speak the truth to our neighbours, for we are members of one another.”

The Sufi, Christian and Buddhist traditions as well as other ancient and contemporary ones have offered similar ways on which we ought to conduct ourselves with our brothers and sisters. They are saying how damaging wrong speech can be to both to our neighbours and ourselves, you sense the essence of the “Golden Rule of Compassion” running through it all.

How we communicate is so important. We may not have control over what goes on in the world all around us, but how we act towards others really matters. We need to be mindful in how we speak because what we say and do and what we do not say and do not do has an impact on all around us. As the old saying goes, if you haven’t got anything good to say then its best to probably keep your mouth shut.

The old saying: 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names (words) will never hurt me.' Is simply nonsense.

The words we speak and how we speak them have real power. The words we speak are an expression of our spirit, of where we are spiritually. They express whether we are part of the creation or the destruction of life. Yehuda Berg an author on the Kabbalah a mystical form of Judaism said:

“Words are singularly the most powerful force available to humanity. We can choose to use this force constructively with words of encouragement, or destructively using words of despair. Words have energy and power with the ability to help, to heal, to hinder, to hurt, to harm, to humiliate and to humble.”

Words are powerful, it matters what we say and how we say it, and in what spirit. We hear words and how they are spoken before we can understand them with our minds. We hear them from the moment we are born, perhaps even before we are born in our mother’s womb. Here in the powerless and utterly dependent moments the words we hear and digest have a powerful influence on the people we become. This continues throughout our lives.

Everything matters, every thought, every feeling, every action and every word spoken. What we say and how we say it is not the only power at work, of course not, but never ever let anyone tell you it does not matter. You have no idea the power that you are involved in with the words you speak. Your very next sentence maybe the beginning of something beautiful in the life of another, it may well play a part in changing or giving life to someone. Or on the other hand it may aid in their destruction.

So choose your words carefully, ensure they are spoken in the spirit of love as part of the creation.

When we are about to speak we need to ask ourselves.

Is it kind?

Is it true?

Is it necessary?

What we do and what we say matters. Everything matters.

So may what we say be kind, true, and necessary.

"Everybody's Talkin'"