Altruism, Selfishness and Self Love

Last Sunday during a conversation with a couple after worship, Megan and Geoff, I admitted to my personal Kryptonite, my weakness, my false God if you like. It is what others think of me. I have this need to be seen as a good man and that at times it gets me into trouble. That said there are worse things to be. Such as not caring a jot what others think of you. “I don’t care” must be the loneliest phrase in the English language. I suspect that hell must be a state of indifference to not care about others, to live without any thought or consideration of others. This is essentially what it means to be selfish, to think of only your own thoughts and needs, to act without any thought or consideration of others. To not care what people think of you. You matter, how you are perceived matters, matter really matters. We are all living breathing, animated matter.

Ever since the first lockdown I have attended a regular zoom group, exploring certain aspects of spiritual development. It is the only one of several that I used to attend, that I still do. Other than, of course, the ones I lead myself. Last Sunday we got into a conversation about selfishness and altruism. One friend, who spends a lot of her life giving of herself to others, said that there were some selfish aspects to the things that she does. I questioned her on this, because I don’t think that it is true. So I asked her to elaborate, to explain, what she means by selfish elements, which she did. I then asked her if she could explain how the fact that she enjoys giving of her time to others and gets a sense of well-being and freedom from what she does, how that means it is selfish. Again she explained. After listening I suggested that what she was not being selfish at all. I asked her if she did this purely for her own benefit and without any thought or consideration for others? Which of course she does not. I thus suggested that what she was doing was not in any way shape or form selfish. The conversation developed as we spoke of how we see ourselves, each other and the rest of humanity. How often, even secular folk have a “Calvinistic” view of human nature; how often do we hear folk described as selfish to the core, suggesting that there is something wrong with our humanity, that there is “something rotten in our timbers”. Such feelings cause folk to feel guilty about doing things that give them a sense of pleasure and well-being. I made the point that it is vital that we take care of such human needs, including what gives us pleasure, so that we can be of love and service to others, to offer our gifts to life. If we didn’t then someone else would have to do so and in fact if anything was selfish it would be this. It was a great conversation, as they often are. We felt good as we logged off. We had been of service to one another and we had all gained from the conversation as I am sure others will do too as we engage with them. There is nothing in any way selfish in this, just because we all gained from the conversation. We all gave of ourselves and the sum of the individual parts must have multiplied on and on into infinity and beyond. This is the strange mathematics of giving, where the commodity is actually multiplied by subtraction. Yes I know it doesn’t make common sense, but then we are dealing in uncommon sense and there isn’t enough of this in the world.

That afternoon I had another interesting conversation with another friend, affectionately known as “Aussie Steve”. He is Australian and is called Steve, hence the name. He spends a lot of his time in Israel where all his children are and some time in England, his wife is English. Sue and myself had stayed with them when we visited Israel. He had invited me there to speak at an event. What an experience, I gained so much more from the visit. I had given of myself and had gained so much in return. It wasn’t an absolutely altruistic trip, but then there was no sense of selfishness involved either.

Steve was going back to Israel the next day and wanted to talk through a few things with me. We are going to stay in zoom contact over the next few months. After we had talked about the matter, we had met to discuss we then found ourselves wandering down all kinds of other avenues. Obviously, the state that the world is in came up and people’s response to things. We talked about freedom, but we also spoke of responsibility. The measures in place to help contain Covid and the current relaxations in this country. The vaccine roll out and people’s objections to it and all kinds of things. I quoted Victor Frankl to him. I did not quite do so entirely accurately, but I did capture the essence of the following quotation.

“Freedom, however, is not the last word. Freedom is only part of the story and half of the truth. Freedom is but the negative aspect of the whole phenomenon whose positive aspect is responsibleness. In fact, freedom is in danger of degenerating into mere arbitrariness unless it is lived in terms of responsibleness. That is why I recommend that the Statue of Liberty on the East Coast be supplemented by a Statue of Responsibility on the West Coast.”

We spoke of freedom and responsibility. How you can’t authentically have one without the other. How to truly live with freedom and responsibility for our own actions but also understand that we have a shared responsibility for the society in which we live, that we are communal creatures and that this is the essence of true religion, something that can get lost in some modern spiritual thinking. Well in truth it is one of the negative aspects that date back to the enlightenment era.

I recently came across a “Meme” on facebook depicting two single fish. One was swimming in a great ocean and the other a tiny bowl. The image was an attempt to illustrate the difference between “Spirituality” and “Religion”. The image suggested that the fish in the bowl is restricted by the confines of its environment, “religion”, where as the fish in the ocean had limitless expansion, “spirituality”. I get the critique and have sympathy with it. That said if truth be told neither image appeals to me. The fish in the ocean is swimming alone, and this can often be the problem with what passes for modern spirituality. The truth is that no one swims alone, we swim in the vast ocean of life and whatever your spiritual beliefs and practices you cannot live them alone, besides which they are too limited and limiting if they are not shared with others in the vast ocean of life. You can have free religion, which is not confined and is in fact open to new things, these come to us as we interact with other fish in the vast ocean of existence. No one is an island. Surely always wanting to swim alone is another way of limiting life and experiences. It is ok for a while, perhaps even necessary at times, but long term it is just another way of avoiding life.

Anyhow the conversation with Steve moved on Judaism, what some might see as one of the fish in a bowl and Jesus within the tradition and what we thought he saw as his purpose, his mission as. We both agreed that essentially, he was trying to bring the faith back to the people, that somehow the laws had got lost and that at the time they seemed purely focused on God and not enough on the people. The conversation then developed into a critique of this getting lost in the Christian tradition which seemed to have been more about the laws and doctrines and the structure of the tradition and not these simple teachings, yet another limiting fish bowl.

That said at its essence the Judea Christian tradition calls folk to respond to God’s love by loving their neighbour as themelves. This does not seem limiting at all, to me it is meant to be ever expanding, it just gets lost. Also of course, if we have no love for ourselves it will be very hard, if not impossible, to love our neighbours. In fact what we end up doing is putting ourselves in our own bowls. I have learnt that people do infact love others as much as they love themselves, the problem is that they so many of us don’t love who we are. If we believe that we are selfish to the core, it will be very difficult to show love to others who we see in the same way.

The essence of the Judea-Christian tradition - in fact virtually every single tradition, spiritual or not throughout human history, although perhaps with less theistic language - is perhaps most clearly stated in the following response by Jesus to the question ‘which commandment is the first of all?’ To which he condenses centuries of Jewish teaching and prophetic witness into a few, short, enduring phrases: “The first is, ‘Hear, O Israel: the Lord our God, the Lord is One; you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, with all your strength.’ The second is this, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.

Now even within my free and open tradition, the Unitarians, folk have often focused on the love we have for our neighbour, this sense of offering unconditional love. This is essential to spiritual living in community. It is the essence of my phrase “Come as you are, exactly as you are, but do not expect to leave in exactly the same condition.” The problem is of course that sometimes we forget to focus on the true love that we feel for ourselves. Do we see decency in ourselves? If we do not, we will never truly love our neighbour. For we will love them as we love ourselves, which will not be very loving at all.

I know I can be my harshest critic. I have been at times in recent weeks. My kryptonite, to be seen as a decent person, comes from a sense, at times, that there is something wrong with me. Something I know intellectually is untrue, but at times I still feel. I am not alone in this, I know that. As I have witnessed in conversations, I have had this week. In a strange way it keeps me connected and it keeps me grounded with the people I share my life with. That said it is so vital that we all recognise that love that is at the core of our humanity.

As William Sloane Coffin so beautifully put it in “Credo”

“What a wonderful thing it would be if once and for all we could lay to rest the notion that it is a virtue to love others and a vice to love oneself. For what is vicious is not self-love but selfishness, and selfishness is more a product of self-hate, than self-love. All forms of selfishness are finally forms of insecurity, compensations, for a lack of self-love.”

These last few weeks I have needed to care for myself. Yes, I am fulfilling my duties, not just professionally but in life in general. That said I am also taking care of my own personal needs too. It is vital I do so in order to feel love and to let others love me too. This allows me to love my neighbours as I would like to. Taking care of yourself, practising self-care is not being selfish. We need to take care of ourselves for a variety of reasons. It is also being responsible too. By the way if you don’t take care of your personal needs, it means that someone else will have to and that sounds selfish to me.

I received a wonderful gift this week. In fact I have received and accepted many all week. People have been wonderful. Thank you. On Tuesday evening my appointment was cancelled, I decided instead of carrying on working I would go home and relax. I thought I’ll leave early as I don’t want to get caught up in the traffic going to Old Trafford for the cricket. As I was driving my phone rang. I obviously didn’t answer at the time. As I pulled in home it went off again. It was a friend Helen asking if I listened to the message, it was from her mum. I listened to it. She told me she had a spare ticket to the cricket that night and would I like to meet her and go with her. Her friend was unwell, and she didn’t want to go on her own. I said yes please. So, I met her, and we went together. It was a wonderful game and just what I needed, just what the doctored order. A beautiful example of allowing life to take care of me and another, there is nothing selfish in that, in fact we both gained from going together, a Yorkshire man and a Lancastrian woman.

The mistake that we often make is that we equate self-care or self-love with selfishness. Now of course there are forms of self-love “Narcissism” that are selfish, but true self love is not selfish at all. The ancient Greeks named this Philautia, which they saw as the highest form of love. They believed that without it a person could not offer the other forms of love in a positive sense. Self-care, true self love is not selfish at all, for it is not about acting without any thought or consideration for others. It is quite the opposite actually for by doing so it will allow you to love your neighbour too, for you will love them as you love yourself.

We need to let go of the idea that loving ourselves truly as we, warts and all and beauty spots too is in any sense a selfish act. Please remember that a selfish person is interested only in themself wants everything for themself; can see nothing but themself. A selfish person does not love themself too much, but too little. You see the truth is that a truly selfish person is incapable of loving others because they are seemingly unable to love themselves.

To truly love yourself is to follow that greatest commandment, it is to acknowledge that love is at the root of all that we are. If we do not love ourselves, then we cannot love our neighbour.

Parker Palmer said that:

“Self-care is never a selfish act—it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer to others.”

Taking care of ourselves, emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually is not a selfish act. In fact, I would suggest to not do so is actually more like selfishness. It is our responsibility in fact to take care of the life we have been given. Each life is unique and is there to be utilized for the purpose of all. To truly achieve this, we need to take care of ourselves and to express our joy in life. You see to be joyful, to be happy, is to express all that you are. To be all that you can be is not selfish, it is a true expression of love in all its forms.

It is what we are here for, and it inspires others to love both themselves and each other and all life that matter.

Remember you matter, you really do. Matter truly, absolutely positively, matters…

Here is a video based on the material in this "Blogspot"

Life on the Mobius Strip: It's all about Relationship

Please watch the clip above before reading on...

It seems I'm not mad after all. I cannot draw a perfect circle.

Now I know that this test may not hold up in court, but I think it’s revealing. Not that I think it is one’s ability to draw perfect circle that is actually the true test of madness, the true test is to actually try. I think the true test of madness is to actually keep on trying to draw the perfect circle, or to even think that such a thing is possible.

The circle is never perfect, in fact I’m pretty sure that the circle will remain forever incomplete. I think it’s better that way…

One of the great plagues of humanity is perfectionism, seeking perfection both within ourselves and others. How many times, I wonder, have I rejected either myself, others, or life itself, because it did not offer perfection? How many times have I noticed others doing the same? It is a lot easier to see in others by the way than in myself.

Nothing in life is perfect, it is always imperfect. I am pretty much convinced that this is how it ought to be.

Now imperfection is one of those interesting words that doesn’t mean exactly what it always meant. When today we say that something is imperfect we are usually making a judgement about this something suggesting that there is something wrong with it. In so doing we are making an error. Imperfection comes from the Latin “imperfectus” which actually meant incomplete.

So when we say that we are imperfect, that others are imperfect, that life itself is imperfect we are correct, in the sense that nothing is ever complete.

The mistake we have made is that in saying that someone or something is imperfect we have suggested that they or it is somehow wrong, when in fact we couldn’t be more wrong. Imperfection itself is what makes life what it is, it is the fuel and energy of life as it is through imperfection that the energy to create relationship is fuelled.

Imperfection, incompleteness is the energy of life.

This brings to mind this rather lovely poem by Harold Kushner “Jigsaw”:

There must have been a time when you entered a room and met someone and after a while you understood that unknown to either of you there was a reason you had met. You had changed the other and he had changed you. By some word or deed or just by your presence the errand had been completed. Then perhaps you were a little bewildered or humbled and grateful. And it was over.

Each lifetime is the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.
For some there are more pieces.
For others the puzzle is more difficult to assemble.

Some seem to be born with a nearly completed puzzle.
And so it goes.
Souls going this way and that.
Trying to assemble the myriad parts.

But know this. No one has within themselves
All the pieces to their puzzle.
Like before the days when they used to seal
jigsaw puzzles in cellophane. Insuring that
All the pieces were there.

Everyone carries with them at least one and probably
Many pieces to someone else's puzzle.
Sometimes they know it.
Sometimes they don't.

And when you present your piece
Which is worthless to you,
To another, whether you know it or not,
Whether they know it or not,
You are a messenger from the Most High

I love the way Kushner explains why we are incomplete. That it is through our incompleteness that we draw closer together. This is so true, we are relational beings. We do not live in separation and we do not live separate lives. We are constantly seeking unity, to be yoked beyond ourselves. The word “Yoga” actually means to join, to unite. It seems to me that all the great spiritual traditions, eastern and western, are in their own way pointing to this. That the spiritual life cannot exist in isolation. That in actual fact to live spiritually is to live in relation. That there is a yearning within us all to find that missing piece. In so attempting to do so, by the way, we enable others to do the same. In so doing we find ourselves and bring to life our true selves in the world in which we live and breathe and share our being.

When we come together in love, we create the love we have all be searching for.

This brings to mind a book I read just weeks before I began my ministry. It has been one of the most important books in shaping my approach to ministry, which of course literally means to serve. The title of the book is "Radical Hospitality: Benedict's Way of Love": By Father Daniel Homan and Lonni Collins Pratt. This is from the Chapter "Hospitality begins inside." (pg 33-34)

They wrote

" We are caught up in what is probably the most immature attempt at spirituality humanity has ever seen. It is tragically and poignantly adolescent, with the deep emotion and angst that goes with adolescence. It is a spirituality that seeks improvement for life - a better me, a better relationship - but it does not seek God and it does not move us towards others. It just keeps us running on the treadmill of our little egocentric worlds.

We are accustomed to easy answers. Hospitality is not an easy answer. It requires that we take a chance and we change. It requires us to grow. The moment we engage with another person everything gets messy. Our time becomes not quite our own; we can count on others interrupting us. We become subject to a whole hoard of emotional dangers.

Because hospitality always involves giving something of ourselves to others, it is a spiritual practice. Spirituality is about relationship. When you and I become confused about the meaning of spirituality, remembering that spirituality is about relationship will bring us back to the basics. Relationships."

...Spirituality is about relationships...

One of my great frustrations with a lot of modern “so called spirituality” is that it does not seem to be about relationships at all. It seems to be all about the self, almost about protecting the self, from the so called “messiness” of living. It seems to have become almost narcissistic in its nature. Maybe that’s why it can seem so appealing. The truth is of course that all we ever achieve in blocking ourselves off from the messiness, from circling our spiritual wagons, is increase the loneliness and the emptiness.

The spiritual life is about relationship. We need to be in what I have often heard called right relationship, with ourselves, with others and with whatever it is we connects all of life, what is often called the Divine, to live spiritually alive.

I can usually get a good measure as to where I am at spiritually by simply checking where I am at relationally with myself, with others and with God, they are all interconnected and inter related.

Now all this brings to mind the YouTube clip that began this "blogspot". by Parker J Palmer on “The Mobius Strip”.

Here is a little written reflection by Palmer followed by my own attempt to explain what he describes so well.

“Life on the Mobius Strip” by Parker J Palmer

Here’s a brief meditation on life on the Mobius strip, a curious concept to be sure, but no more curious than life itself!

The curious object pictured is a Möbius strip.

If you take your index finger and trace what seems to be the outside surface, you suddenly find yourself on what seems to be the inside surface. Continue along what seems to be the inside surface, and you suddenly find yourself on what seems to be the outside surface.

I need to keep saying “what seems to be” because the Möbius strip has only one side! What look like its inner and outer surfaces flow into each other seamlessly, co-creating the whole. The first time I saw a Möbius strip, I thought, “Amazing! That’s exactly how life works!”

Whatever is inside of us continually flows outward, helping to form or deform the world — depending on what we send out. Whatever is outside us continually flows inward, helping to form or deform us — depending on how we take it in. Bit by bit, we and our world are endlessly re-made in this eternal inner-outer exchange.

Much depends on what we choose to put into the world from within ourselves — and much depends on how we handle what the world sends back to us. As Thomas Merton said:

 “We don’t have to adjust to the world. We can adjust the world.”

Here’s the question I’ve been asking myself ever since I understood that we live our lives on the Möbius strip:

 “How can I make more life-giving choices about what to put into the world and how to deal with what the world sends back — choices that might bring new life to me, to others, and to the world we share?

I came across the wonderful Youtube clip on "The Mobius Strip" the other day, my journey to it was another beautiful example of synchronicity. The type that often leaves me smiling for days. Palmer suggests that “The Mobius Strip” is a useful metaphor for our inner and outer lives. How these are interrelated and how we are affected and how we affect the world in which we live. He claims that the onstage life is how we appear in the world, how we impact on the world, what he describes as the ego questions. While the backstage life is more about intuition and instinct and value and faith. These are those deeper aspects of ourselves, what is called soul, that greater reality that makes who we truly are. He claims that we are born in wholeness. That there is no separation between our inner and outer lives but as time goes by and we become increasingly influenced by the external world we lose touch with our souls and disappear into our roles. He suggest that as we grow up into the world we realise that it is not safe to be our backstage selves in the onstage world, that we somehow have to hide who we truly are and we begin to build a wall of separation. This he says becomes painful due to the disconnect between the inner and the outer life. Due to this, for so many, often the spiritual seekers, there is the desire to bring our lives into the classic shape of the circle. Which he says means I want what is important to me internally to be the values by which my external life which surrounds revolves. Thus bringing a sense of unity to my life. Thus my external life becomes authentic as I become centred.

Palmer acknowledges that this "centering" is a step forward and I personally see that this is where so much modern spirituality takes us, the kind that frustrates me. The problem with it is in the circle itself, it’s a kind of circling of the wagons, a wall of separation a kind of spiritual “gated community”, a walled garden of myself, that nothing and no one can touch. Yes we create our own sanctuary that no one can enter, unless of course they agree with us. Those who do not share our core beliefs and principles are excluded, thus avoiding the messiness and trouble of such relationships. This circle he suggests is just another kind of wall of separation and protection and does not in the end solve the real problem that we all suffer from, it feeds the sense of separation and does not truly allow for a deep spiritual intimacy that we all crave, it does not bring about true wholeness true relationship with ourselves, with others and with God.

Palmer suggests that there is another way, an alternative, which allows us to be both authentic and open. It is achieved by reshaping into the “Mobius Strip” which has the feature of being continuous and unbroken. By simply tracing your finger around what appears to be the outside of the surface you soon find yourself on what appears to be the inside of the surface.As you continue round you soon find yourself on what appears to be the outer part of the strip. He says that it only appears this way because one of the key features of the “Mobius strip” is that there is no inner and outer the two seem to co-create each other. That this is how life is. That whatever is inside us mergers with what is outside and vice versa and both influence each other and in that exchange, interaction, coming together we co-create what we call reality.

This Palmer says leads to one question that ultimately we have to ask “As I travel this Mobius strip between my onstage life and my backstage life, constantly co-creating, how can I become so aware of that exchange that co-creative transaction, moment by moment, that I can increasingly make choices about it that are life giving rather than death dealing?”

For Palmer this is the question that links the inner life with the outer life. It is this that brings that sense of connection of oneness and brings us closer together. It is this that brings the pieces of the jigsaw together and begins to bring about completeness maybe one day, that yokes all life together, that is Yoga. In so doing we return to the wholeness, the natural state, in which we were born. Or perhaps to put it more religiously we return to paradise, we return to the natural state, the original goodness and blessing into which we were born. We find completeness. We create the Kingdom of God, the Kin-dom of Love, right here right now.

So to answer Palmer’s question “How do we make choices that are life giving rather than death dealing?”

Well it really does depend on what we put into the world and what we take in too, to paraphrase Thomas Merton. It is about how we relate to one another, to life and to our inner selves. It’s about relationships. It’s about not trying to draw that perfect circle because that can soon become a wall, a barrier, that cuts us off from everything, unless we agree 100% with it or them 100% of the time, in which case we will find ourselves completely alone.

It’s about becoming the imperfectionist. It’s about learning to dance on the Mobius strip.

I’m going to end this little chip of a "blogspot" with a little meditation written by my imperfect inspiration Forrest Church. This is “The imperfectionsit”

"The reason I’ve been able to produce so much is that I’m not a perfectionist – I’m an imperfectionist. I’m confident that everything I say can be improved upon by others, and that’s my great strength, because I know that it won’t be improved upon by others unless I take the first step. When we only do things which please us, or don’t frighten us, after a while fewer and fewer things please us. Over time, our circle of options diminishes until we are prisoners in gardens of our own making. The more decisions you make in your life, the more times you act, the more certain it is that you will be wrong. To be fulfilled we need to recognize, all of us, that the world doesn’t owe us a living – rather we owe the world a living. And in the brief time that is given us, we must somehow learn to give ourselves away."

So take the first step. Become the imperfectionist. Learn to dance on “The Mobius Strip”