Last week I came across a fascinating article that described several towns up down this fair land that had designated some public seating as “chat benches”. I thought to myself what a wonderful idea. I remember thinking that this would be a great idea for Trafford and thought I will contact the council about it. I posted about it on social media and lots of other people, from all over the world agreed that it was a great idea. I’ve been talking about it ever since. Last Thursday during the “Living Questions” engagement group we spoke quite extensively about it. This was during a conversation which centered around finding ways to connect to people; how difficult it can be to meet new people when you come into a new community alone, a stranger. On Tuesday morning while enjoying company and coffee after being in meditation with friends I spoke of it once again. I had over the last few days noticed just how blessed I am to have the friends I share my life with. I realised just how truly wealthy I am, as I have so many people who I share my life with, people I can walk and talk with or sit and chat with.
The clock turned 9am and we all left to get on with our daily business. I set off to the gym. As I left Café Nero I looked at the bench outside and noticed a sign on it, which read “Happy to Chat Bench.” Well I could not believe my eyes. There it was right in front of me. I wonder how long it had been there. Perhaps some in the town had already responded the same article I had read. Perhaps it had been there for years and I’d only just noticed it. I took a picture and went off tto he gym with a broad beamer on my face. As I walked in someone asked “Why do you looking so happy?” So I explained. Again I’ve been going on about it ever since.
The benches, that can be found up and down the land have a sign which reads “The ‘Happy to Chat’ Bench: Sit Here If You Don’t Mind Someone Stopping To Say Hello.”
The purpose of the benches is to offer an opportunity to people who feel isolated to make a connection with someone new. There are many people who feel isolated in communities up and down the land. The initiative was initially launched to coincide with United Nations World Elder Abuse Awareness Day.
It seems that Sainsbury’s has started something similar. Sue has often spoken of how the café in Sainbury’s in Sale is a kind of community centre for people who are isolated and struggle with life. As she says “They get looked after in Sainsbury’s”. Well it seems this is not an isolated example. for many Sainsbury’s café’s have begun to include “Talking Tables”. The initiative is similar to the “chat benches”. It is space set aside for people to come and chat with others.
“The Campaign to End Loneliness” estimates that there are 1.1 million people over the age of 65 who are chronically lonely in Britain. The campaigns executive director Laura Alcock-Ferguson claims that “Long working hours and a culture of constant ‘busyness’ means people do not prioritize reaching out to lonely older people,” Last year they launched a major campaign calling for people to commit to acts of kindness for this “Missing Million.” The problem has been recognised on a governmental level, early in 2018 Tracey Crouch M.P. was appointed the “minister for loneliness”. Loneliness is not just a problem for the isolated elderly, but also the young. In fact, “The Office for National Statistics has reported that “young adults are more likely to feel lonely than older age groups.” It is claimed by some to be a chronic health crisis amongst millenials. One study found that 83% od 13-34 year olds say that they feel lonely as do a third of new mums. This is something that the Sainsbury’s café are recognising.
We have never lived in a more connected time. We can talk face to face, with virtually anyone on earth and yet people are increasingly experiencing a sense of disconnection and isolation. We are living in what has been described as “the age of loneliness”. Perhaps the problem is not so much that people do not talk, its more that we don’t talk enough about the things that really matter. This is certainly something that has been discussed over and over again in the engagement groups I lead in both communities that I serve. It seems to be the thing that those who attend are most grateful for. A place to talk about the things that really matter and to do so while sitting side by side in circle with others.
There are many theories as to why people feel lonelier than ever in this age of incredible communication. Why do we feel so lonely? I believe that part of the problem is that we do not see ourselves in each other. There seems to be less of a sense of our common humanity. We do not see the sacredness of one another’s lives. People seem ever more divided from one another and thus do not listen and or share one another’s joy and suffering. We all know joy and we all know suffering.
So what can be done? Well perhaps it’s the job of the new churches and cathedrals, the shopping centers and the supermarkets. These are the places that people frequent. Places of worship are no longer the hub of the community. That said the church was never the building, it was always the people. The “Kin-dom” of love is within each of us and it is all around us if we would create it. It is not some place beyond life, but in this life right here and now and I believe it is our task to create it, in and through our lives and how do we do it? Well by inviting the folk in our communities to come and sit with us, to walk and talk with others, shoulder to shoulder and side by side.
To be open with another is to invite them into your space as they are, exactly as they are in this moment. The challenge is how to offer the invitation? I suspect it can't be by being direct. Maybe it begins by walking and sitting with them. Maybe by sitting on one of those benches or perhaps creating our own and begin to talk and to invite the other to begin to speak too.
It will have to be done side by side. I have noticed that the most open conversations I have with people occur when walking or sitting with them side by side. People just seem to open up more that way. Maybe its because it equalisers the relationship or perhaps it allows for a deeper honesty than the directness of face to face conversation, which can be combative at times.
Perhaps by sharing and listening, side by side, deeper connections can be built, as that spirit of love and life awakens in hearts and souls. This is the language of the heart that needs to be listened to "with the ears of our hearts". We need to learn to listen to ourselves and to one another. This allows us to draw closer to one another and thus dispel the aching loneliness. In so doing we begin to create a sacred space where a person can speak openly with another human being about whatever it is they find so hard to speak of.
We all need a place where we can go, where someone will draw close to us and listen as we come close to who we are in all our hope and despair. Where we can truly reveal all that we are “warts and all and beauty spots too.” It does not have to be a special place. It could be a bench, or bus, or a café chair.
Now a bench is simply an object for sitting on, who would of thought it could be a place of transformation and healing, a sacred holy site. It can if used in the right way. It can become a place where people can begin to find themselves, to find someone who will listen and begin to share their heart. A place where the spirit of love can come to life and incarnate in this our world and a place where the kin-dom of love can begin again. It begins by a someone finding someone else to draw close to and begin to heal this our fractured and hurting world.
It begins with you and it begins with me, you never know your next conversation may just save the world.
From "The Great Failure: A Bartender, A Monk, and My Unlikely Path to Truth " by Natalie Goldberg
A conversation between Natalie Goldberg on her Zen teacher about ways to deal with loneliness.
" 'Roshi, now that I am divorced, it is very lonely.'
" 'Tell me. What do you do when you are alone in the house?'
"I'd never thought of that. I became interested. 'Well, I water the plants,' I faltered, then continued, 'I wash a few dishes, call a friend.' The momentum built. 'I sit on the couch for hours and stare at the bare branches out the window. I play over and over Paul Simon's new album about New Mexico — I miss it there.'
"His attention encouraged me: 'Lately, I've been sitting at my dining-room table and painting little pictures.' I looked at him. Suddenly my solitary life had a texture.
" 'Is there anything wrong with loneliness?' he asked in a low voice. I shook my head. All at once I saw it was a natural condition of life, like sadness, grief, even joy. When I was sitting with him, it didn't feel ominous or unbearable.
" 'Anyone who wants to go to the source is lonely. There are many people at Zen Center. Those who practice deeply are only with themselves.
" 'Are you lonely?' I entreated.
" 'Yes,' he nodded. 'But I don't let it toss me away. It's just loneliness.'
" 'Do you ever get over it?'
" 'I take an ice-cold shower every morning. I never get used to it. It shocks me each time, but I've learned to stand up to it.' He pointed at me. 'Can you stand up in loneliness?'
"He continued, 'Being alone is the terminal abode. You can't go any deeper in your practice if you run from it.'
"He spoke to me evenly, honestly. My hunger was satisfied — the ignored little girl still inside me and the adult seeker — both were nourished.”
...We all experience loneliness from time to time...
Christmas and New Year is a very busy time for folk in my line of work, everything feels ramped up. I certainly spent a lot of time with people, doing and giving of myself. I also spent quite a bit of time socialising with others. This continued all of last week, up until Sunday night. As I went to bed on Sunday night I craved so much for solitude, to be alone. I awoke on Monday exhausted and feeling a little disconnected. I needed space to be alone, to connect with my God and thus allow myself to connect with others and life again. I was beginning to feel that inner loneliness that always comes when I’m exhausted or have spent too much time with others. Like most ministers I am an introvert in the Jungian understanding. I am the kind of person who re-energises from spending time in solitude. I tend to give my energy when in the company of others and recharge in solitude.
As I spent time in silent solitude that morning a phrase came into my being. It went something like this “Lonely but not alone: Alone but not lonely”
There have been times in my life when I have been surrounded by everyone I could have to be around and yet felt utterly alone. There have been other times when I have been physically alone and yet I experienced not one semblance of loneliness. Being alone and experiencing loneliness may look similar, but they could not be more different. One is about connection and the other disconnection.
John O'Donohue wrote beautifully about the importance of solitude in "Anam Cara". He wrote:
"Solitude is one of the most precious things in the human spirit. It is different from loneliness. When you are lonely, you become acutely conscious of your own separation. Solitude can be a homecoming to your own deepest belonging. One of the lovely things about us as individuals is the incommensurable in us. In each person, there is a point of absolute nonconnection with everything else and with everyone. This is fascinating and frightening. It means that we cannot continue to seek outside ourselves for things we need from within. The blessings for which we hunger are not to be found in other places or people. These gifts can only be given to you by yourself. They are at home at the hearth of your soul."
...John O'Donhue had a beautiful gift in the way he used language...
January can often be the toughest months for many people. The joy and celebration of Christmas and New Year is over. Winter has set in and there seems only dark days and nights and cold ahead. It can be a time of isolation when we don’t spend much time with others. I remember how many times last winter I said “it’s been a long one this time”. For many folk this can feel like the loneliest time of year. It need not be so. If we utilise this time in the right way, it can actually help us to connect to those deeper harder to reach parts that can come to life when spring comes once again. I was thinking of this as Sue pointed to the bulbs just sprouting a little bit on the cold morning last Tuesday. They are creating life, ready to fully sprout in the cold dark earth. They need this time to come fully to life, just like we do. I bet those bulbs have never known the ache of loneliness.
Loneliness is something that everyone experiences at some time in their life. We need not fear it, I suspect it just a part of the human condition. That said it’s not something that you ever get used. It ought not to be feared, it does not mean that there is something wrong with us and it is not a terminal condition. Just talk and listen with your neighbour and you will find they have felt like this many times too.
There are many causes for this sense of loneliness. If we lose someone we love dearly, a spouse, a partner, a parent, a dear friend, that loss can lead a deep loneliness. We feel like something is missing in our lives, which of course there is, our loved one. If we suffer a debilitating illness we can often become cut off from social contacts, this can lead to a sense of isolation. When we move house or change jobs a loneliness can set in too, we feel like a fish out of water. Even the seemingly self confident can feel lonely at such times. When these things happen the mistake we can often make is to draw further in and isolate even more, thus increasing this sense of loneliness.
Now this experience of loneliness may not be as negative as we might realise, for it can lead to new opportunities. It offers a chance to connect to those often untouched parts within ourselves, to connect to those inner resources and of course it can help us to understand the loneliness that others suffer too. It develops empathy and help us connect with others in deeper more meaningful ways.
Loneliness is not the end of anything. It can actually be the beginning. It is an opportunity to see and experience life in new ways. It is call to ourselves to help alleviate the loneliness and suffering in others. It has the capacity to transform our lives. Loneliness need not be seen as an affliction, instead it is an opportunity to transform both your own life and that of others. As Dag Hammarskjold said 'Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for.' "
Our experiences of loneliness can become a gift that can transform our lives and the lives of others.
The Epistle Paul had something interesting to say on loneliness in his timeless first letter to the Corinthians chapter 13. He wrote 'For now we see in a mirror, dimly (as through a glass, darkly), but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall understand fully, even as I have been fully understood.'
Here he is contrasting how we view life now with the life that will be enjoyed in what is called “God’s Kingdom, yet to come”. Suggesting that in our current state we do not see things clearly and that this is a cause of loneliness. The problem is that we do not see God, each other or life fully (‘face to face’) and thus we feel cut off, separate and alone. He is suggesting that only after death will we see fully. Paul is of course drawing on the Jewish tradition here, that no one can ever see the face of God, that it is always partially hidden behind a veil.
In the “Sermon on the Mount”, the moment where Jesus declares his mission in Matthew's Gospel, he says that, 'Blessed are the pure of heart, for they shall see God.' Suggesting a way to see clearly the face of God and thus one another. Could this be the bridge that relieves ours and others loneliness? This to me is what it means to create the Kingdom of God, what I prefer to name the “kin-dom of Love” right here right now. This is what it means to live spiritually alive. This is what it means to remove from our being the veils, mirrors, fears, fantasies, selfishness and unreality that separate us from the Divine, from life and the people around us thus relieving the ache of one another's loneliness.
The problem is, of course, that so few of us want to go there. How many of us want to experience what it means to be alone. We need not fear being alone. As my time alone proved last Monday. You can be “Lonely but not alone” and you can be, “alone but not lonely”.
Last Monday, as I sat alone in silence I found myself utterly surrendered to the power of the moment I was in. As I sat there the following poem by David's Whyte's came onto my being
“Sweet Darkness” by David Whyte
When your eyes are tired
the world is tired also.
When your vision has gone,
no part of the world can find you.
Time to go into the dark
where the night has eyes
to recognize its own.
There you can be sure
you are not beyond love.
The dark will be your home
tonight.
The night will give you a horizon
further than you can see.
You must learn one thing.
The world was made to be free in.
Give up all the other worlds
except the one to which you belong.
Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learn
anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive
is too small for you.
...I do love David Whyte...
The line that sang in my heart was the following:“Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet confinement of your aloneness…”
So many people fear these two things, especially at this time of year "darkness and the confinement of our aloneness." The truth is that we need to experience this in order to truly connect with what is at the core of all being and to fully connect with life itself and the people we share our ives with. In so doing we see life as it really is and we begin to build that kin-dom of love, we live together one and all.
It is quite possible to be, “lonely but not alone” and you can find yourself completely “alone but not lonely”. The key is connection, connection to ourselves, to life, to the people around us and to whatever we believe is at the core of all life, what I call God. Sometimes it takes an experience of deep loneliness to allow us to know this, to see clearly.
Loneliness is something we will all experience in our lives. I bet we have all felt it at some time in the last week. The problem isn’t the feeling itself, but how we respond to it. It may well be an opportunity to connect. To connect to those deep places within us, to connect to the core of all life and to truly connect to one another. The problem is not the feeling of isolation and loneliness, but how respond to this experience.
We all feel lonely at times. Loneliness is the one thing that you are not alone in, feeling. May our shared loneliness lead us all to deeper connections.
