As I read my friend’s message what filled my heart with love, with joy, wasn’t so much the apology, anyone can say sorry, they key was in the fact that they could see where they had been wrong and wanted to rebuild something that is so precious. How can I stand in judgement, I am no saint myself. Any friendship, or human relationship, requires many moments of forgiveness; friendship, to quote David Whyte, is a “testament to forgiveness”.
Sometimes of course things cannot be forgiven, some things go beyond the pale. Some broken relationships cannot be healed, as the damage done is too much. Sometimes though it is just our pride that gets in the way. I know from experience of people in my life that folk can fall out, go into deep dispute, and they can’t even remember what they fell out about in the first place. Pride can stop us turning back to put things right.
I don’t believe that saying sorry takes much courage, Elton John is wrong when he says, “Sorry seems to be the hardest thing”. Anyone can say sorry, but it takes real faith and courage to admit where you were wrong and to want to bring healing. It also takes real courage and faith to meet the other halfway. So how could I refuse my friend. Quite the opposite in fact, I rejoiced when I read their message on Monday morning.
In our age we often see public figures apologising, often for the hurt caused. That said this is just saying sorry, it is not the same as honestly admitting fault and doing all you to make things right, to bring healing, to correct what was once wrong, to rebuild a relationship, perhaps even rebuild the world. I remember many years ago saying sorry to my grandma, for causing harm, I will never forget the words she uttered “Why do you always say you are sorry, when you don’t really mean it.” The words went right through me, deep into my soul. She loved me dearly, but could see I just felt bad about being caught out, I wasn’t admitting fault or attempting to put right what was wrong. I was just trying to control the consequences. I have never forgotten it. A lesson that politicians and public figures could do well to learn. It seems that truly admitting fault and doing all you can to correct them is not the way for many. In some circles it is considered a sign of weakness. Nonesense. It is a sign of strength, of courage, of faith.
Over the last couple of weeks, the “Parable of the Prodigal Son” (Luke Ch 15 vv 11-31), has tapping me on my shoulder. It is a universal tale that speaks on so many levels about the blessings and troubles with forgiveness and reconciliation. There are three characters in the parable a father and his two sons. The youngest son squanders his inheritance on a hedonistic lifestyle, he loses everything. In desperation he sells himself into slavery and due to a great famine finds himself close to starvation. It is at this point of utter despair and hopelessness that he remembers where he has come from, he remembers his father and reasons that even his father’s slaves have a better life than him. So, he returns home to throw himself on his father's mercy, not as his son but as a slave. On hearing he is returning his father rushes to meet him. Now even before his son atones his father does more than forgive him. He kisses him, a beautiful touch of intimacy and then as the son throws himself at his father’s feet he orders that the fatted calf be slaughtered and a huge party of much rejoicing be held, to celebrate the return of his son who was once lost but now is found.
The parable of "The Prodigal Son" is a beautiful tale of redemption and forgiveness, but is it a realistic one? If only it was that easy. Well, there is so much more to this story. There is another character who does not find forgiveness so easy to come by. There is the other brother who refuses to rejoice and celebrate the returning of his long-lost sibling. Quite the opposite in fact, he is angry, he is indignant, he will not reconcile with his brother and is now at odds with his father. In fact, he does not even refer to the "prodigal" as his own brother. Instead, he names him as “this son of yours”, and by doing so disowns him emotionally. He tells his father all he has done for him and yet has received nothing in return for his good and virtuous life. His father pleads with him and then utters the immortal words, “Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours. But we had to celebrate and rejoice, because this brother of yours was dead and has come to life; he was lost and has been found.” He tells his older son that all that is his belongs to him and also reminds him that this brother of his has returned from the dead. He reminds him that he is his brother and therefore a part of him. They were all three of them once bound together and now need to be once again reconciled, they need to be re-bound. Now this to me is the essence of religious living. For I have come to believe that reconciliation is a deeply religious act.
Religion from “religiere”, meaning re-bound. One of the problems with some aspects of contemporary spirituality is that is individualistic, it is not about relationships, with life and with one another. To me life, especially the truly spiritual and perhaps religious one, is about relationships. Relationships with one another, with life, with our true selves and whatever it is we believe is at the core of life.
One thing I have noticed about myself, and other people is that sometimes our struggles with forgiveness and reconciliation is not necessarily towards the wrongs done by others, but our own shortcomings. That we struggle to reconcile ourselves with our whole humanity. To begin to do so we need to recognise that in each and every person exists the three characters portrayed in “The Parable of the Prodigal Son”. The one who is returning seeking forgiveness, the one offering forgiveness and the one who can feel rejected and neglected by this expression of love. Reconciliation is a process and one that takes time; it is a long journey but one that is certainly worth embarking upon. It is far from easy, but it is without a shadow of a doubt worth undertaking. If we begin this process of reconciliation in our lives, we can begin to rebuild our world. Now of course this no easy task. If I have learnt anything it is that this rebuilding begins with forgiveness. An easy word to speak perhaps but a difficult state to achieve and the reconciliation that it brings with it even harder. That said I suspect it is the purest act of love we can engage in.
My signature phrase as a minister is, “Come as you are, exactly as you, but do not expect to leave in exactly the same condition”. When I say it I truly mean it. We need to bring our whole selves exactly as we are, but to always remain open to the possibility that change can occur, that we reconcile ourselves to ourselves, to one another, to the whole of life and to whatever we believe is at the core of life. We can live spiritually alive, we can live freely and truly religiously.
Reconciliation is not easy, let’s not pretend it is. Now the reason that reconciliation it is so hard, especially with old hurts, is that when we engage in it these painful feelings rise up to the surface. Forgiveness is an act of remembrance. In order to forgive we have to truly re-feel all that has happened. We don’t really forgive and forget. What we actually do, if we are to truly forgive, is re-member. We re-bind the past to the present and can then begin to reconcile. This is why I say that reconciliation is a deeply religious act, because we are re-binding together what has been separated. That said by so doing we do truly begin to heal our world, one relationship, “one stone at a time”, one heart at a time, one soul at a time. It is so easy to look at the world in despair and say I am powerless, there is nothing I can do. The truth is that if we look at the world in this way that is true. That said if we look in our own hearts, in our families and our communities there is much that can be done. Perhaps if we begin here and reconcile ourselves with those closest to us there is much that can be done. I wonder sometimes if by focusing on the bigger picture, the whole world, we lose sight of those closest to us, including ourselves. We need to begin close at hand.
This brings to mind the following rather wonderful story: “The Map and the Man” taken from "The shortest Distance: 101 Stories from the World's Spiritual Traditions" by Bill Darlison
It was a particularly rainy Saturday afternoon. Two children, John and Rebecca, were becoming increasingly bored, and their father, who was under strict orders to keep them entertained while their mother went shopping, was running out of ideas. He wanted to watch the sport on television and to read his newspaper, but the children had demanded his attention. He’d tried them with paper and coloured pencils, but this barely entertained them for five minutes. He’d tried the television, but didn’t even want to play on their tablets. And there were still a couple of hours before mother returned!
Suddenly, he had an idea. Picking up a magazine from the table, he quickly flicked through the pages until he came to a map of the world. “Look at this, kids,” he said. “I’m going to cut this map into pieces - a bit like a jigsaw puzzle – and if you can put it together again, I’ll take you both to McDonald’s for tea! Is it a deal?
The children agreed to give it a try. Their father cut up the map, gave them a pot of glue, and set them to work on the kitchen table. He meanwhile, put on the kettle, made himself a cup of coffee, and sat down with his newspaper in the living room. He was feeling very pleased with himself. “It’ll take them at least an hour,” he thought with a smile.
But barely ten minutes later he heard, “finished dad!” He couldn’t believe it. He went through into the kitchen table and there, sure enough, sitting on the table, was the completed map. “How on earth did you finish it so quickly?” he asked.
“It was easy,” said John. “The map of the world was complicated, but on the other side was a picture of man. We just put the man together.”
“Yes”, said Rebecca. “If you get the man right, the world takes care of itself.”
There is some real wisdom here. If we get the man right, the world takes care of itself. I hear the wisdom of "First things first here; I here the wisdom I was taught many years "If you are spiritually well, the rest will take care of itself.
“If you get the man right, the world takes care of itself.” And if we do so we begin to build "the kin-dom of Love" right here right now.
It begins here in our own individual lives. It begins in our own hearts as we reconcile ourselves with our whole lives. It begins with those who we have shared our lives with. It begins by focusing on the little picture. If we get that right the bigger picture will begin to take care of itself. Remember as the little girl in the story said “If you get the man right, the world takes care of itself.”
It begins with you and it begins with me. It begins by returning to Love.
Please find below a video devotion
based on the material in this "blogspot"
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