Who Knows You, Who Do You Know?

"Awakening Rights"

We waste so much energy trying to cover up who we are
when beneath every attitude is the want to be loved
and beneath every anger is a wound to be healed
and beneath every sadness is the fear that there will not be enough time.
Our challenge each day is not to get dressed to face the world
but to unglove ourselves so that the door knob feels cold
and the car handle feels wet
and the kiss goodbye feels like the lips of another being
soft and unrepeatable.

–Mark Nepo, Book of Awakening

Last Monday I conducted the funeral service of Nev Marchbank Smith. I had only met him briefly at his brother Tony’s wedding, which I conducted at Queens Road Urmston last October, so it is fair to say he was a man I did not know. I had of course got to know Tony somewhat and of his now wife Joanne, but I did not know Nev. I met with his siblings a week before the funeral service to see what their needs were. Like most families there were some complications but I got the idea of what they wanted. They grew up in a Unitarian family and held deeply Unitarian values. There was a great deal of humour and deep love between them all and I got a good idea of what they were looking for. The family spent some time collating the story of Nev’s fascinating life and sent details to me.

The day of the service came and I held them through it telling the story of Nev’s life as I did so, bringing his character alive, warts and all and beauty spots too. The family were deeply grateful, especially for bringing their memories and stories to life. Some even commented on how happy they felt and then apologised for feeling this way. There was no need to apologise. It is a strange feeling that we often share at funeral services. Yes there is the deep grief and sadness of losing a loved and yet there is a sense of love and joy and togetherness that balances these heartbreaking feelings. The goodness at the core of life does seem to come to alive in the most challenging of times.

A few days before the service I had visited another member of the Queens Road congregation, Betty Bloor. She had attended her own sisters funeral, conducted by the minister in Hale Barns Jeff Gould. She complimented him on the service and how he seemed to know her so well, even though he didn’t. We also talked a little about preparing funeral services and the challenges of creating them for people we know and ones that we do not know. Some people like to prepare every detail and others do not. Our approach to such things perhaps reveal something of our humanity.

Now Sue conducts many funeral services, usually for people she does not know. She has a real skill though in bringing alive the person’s life, as if she did know them. It is a real challenge of our time. How do we create such rites of passage for people who we do not know, for most of us no longer belong to spiritual and or religious communities?

It got me asking a question of myself and others, who knows anybody? Who knows you and me? Who can say that they truly know themselves? If we were to create a eulogy for someone else what would we want to say about them? What would you want to say about yourself, if you were to write your own eulogy? Who would you want to speak of your life, what would you like them to say?

Who knows you, who knows who, who knows anyone? We all move through life in our own little bubbles, circling around each other and life like tiny little planetoids on which only we belong. The spiritual practices, that the great traditions taught, were meant to turn us into that inner little world so that we can know ourselves well and not live with illusion and delusion. Perhaps more importantly those same practices were also meant to bridge the gap between the self and the other, through such practices; through such practices what it is to be a mortal human is meant to be revealed. However different we may seem to be we are animated by the same breath of life. As we live by the same breath of life, we all know what it is to long, to fear, to doubt and hope. We all know joy and we all experience guilt and regret. We all know the challenges and the joys and by truly knowing ourselves and one another we can celebrate the joys and overcome the challenges. This is the “Good” that I believe is being spoken of in Genesis I. Yes life is very good indeed if we allow ourselves to truly know it; yes very good but not without challenges. The good is in the overcoming of the challenges together.

The problem is of course that due to the near death of religious community where do we uncover these practices that allow us to know ourselves and to truly know the other? For we cannot know the other if we find the practices but still stay alone in isolation. I suspect that one way to know the other and therefore truly connect with them. To truly know ourselves is to know what we in essence and waht we are in essence is what I all life is too, I have come to believe

The ancient Greeks believed that the ultimate aim for a person of virtue was to know themselves. There were many aphorism on this theme such as “The unexamined life is not worth living.” The key for the ancient Greeks was to know yourself. Now “Know thyself” has been understood in many ways but ultimately to know oneself is to know that you are mortal and live in such a way, fully a part of mortal life. In so doing you will fully play your role as a part of mortal life. They constantly guarded against the dangers of hubris, the idea that human beings were God’s. Yes we are made in the image of the Divine but we are not God’s and it is vital that we recognise our finite mortality. In many ways this is the beauty and the energy of our lives, the fact that they do not last for ever.

Know yourself, know that you are mortal. That is what it means to be truly human. The word human is etymologically linked to humility. We are not god’s we are finite, we are mortal. We cannot live wholly from ourselves, no one is totally self-reliant, self sufficient and we do not live for ever. To truly know yourself is to accept the finite nature of your humanity. This is a stepping stone to discovering yourself and your unique place in the circle of life. By knowing ourselves we not only begin to know life, but we also connect more deeply to it too, for we become less afraid.

Now this may lead to the question, what is the essence of humanity, of ourselves, of one another. Genesis I spoke of humanity being made in the image of the Divine. What does this mean? Well image, from the Latin “imago” means reflection or portrait it does not mean exactly the same. Now I believe that this passage is suggesting that each of us has something of the Divine within us, that we are a reflection of the divine and that this brings a duty to humanity to reflect this image into the world in which we live. This is a real responsibility, to reflect the divine love into life, to incarnate it to bring it to life.

I believe that most of our human problems stem from our rejection of this, from our inability to see that we are children of love, formed from love. That this Divine spark is an aspect of our very human being. Now this puts a great responsibility on we human beings, to make our lives matter in the short time that we have here on earth.

This got me thinking about what this essence might be, what it might mean. Some have called it soul, but waht on earth do we mean by soul?

I love the way that the 1996 Polish Nobel Laureate Wislawa Szymborska imagines the soul. Something that is capable of being summoned but only in moments when we are fully attuned to receiving its charms.

A Few Words on the Soul

We have a soul at times.
No one's got it non-stop,
for keeps.

Day after day,
year after year
may pass without it.

Sometimes
it will settle for awhile
only in childhood's fears and raptures
Sometimes only in astonishment
that we are old.

It rarely lends a hand
in uphill tasks,
like moving furniture,
or lifting luggage,
or going miles in shoes that pinch.

It usually steps out
whenever meat needs chopping
or forms have to be filled.

For every thousand conversations
it participates in one,
if even that,
since it prefers silence.

Just when our body goes from ache to pain,
it slips off-duty.

It's picky,
it doesn't like seeing us in crowds.
our hustling for a dubious advantage
and creaky machinations make it sick.

Joy and sorrow
aren't two different feelings for it.
It attends us
only when the two are joined.

We can count on it
when we're sure of nothing
and curious about everything.

Among the material objects
it favors clocks with pendulums
and mirrors, which keep on working
even when no one is looking.

It won't say where it comes from
or when it's taking off again,
though it's clearly expecting such questions.

We need it
but apparently
it needs us
for some reason too.

I’m not sure that answers the question of what we mean by soul, but then again perhaps it does. Some of us may well have strong views as the what we mean by soul, some may say there is no such thing. Certainly, to think of soul as being like the heart is not what most folk mean when they speak of it. Like so many things in life we are too fixated on the word, as Parker J Palmer has said (soul is) “a word to be held lightly, in open hands. It points to the mystery at the heart of being human – a mystery known by many names whose true name no one knows.

Secular humanists" call it “identity and integrity.” Hasidic Jews call it "the spark of the divine in every being" Thomas Merton called it "true self" Quakers call it "the inner light" Buddhists call it, paradoxically, "Big Self" and No Self""

What name we give it is not that important, what matters is that we recognise this essence, that is good, at the core of our humanity. You see trouble begins when we fail to recognise the true “being” in the human being, when we fail to recognise our common humanity. If we do not recognise this, we will treat ourselves and one another as objects as commodities to be used and abused. We need to recognise the sacredness in all of us or the violence and division in society and ourselves, will continue to grow.

But how do we do this? How do we begin to recognize this sacredness, in this increasingly secular age? Well it begins by getting to know ourselves and to know the other, to unmask the illusions and delusions. We need to find or build the bridge to our true being and to recognize the true human being in each other. To know that despite the real troubles of life there is an essence of goodness that needs to be brought to life. Remember that however different we may seem to be that same wind of life blows though us all. We live the same breath of life, we all know longing fear, doubt and hope; we all know joy and we all experience guilt and regret; we all know the challenges and the joys of living. We need to truly know ourselves, one another so that we can celebrate the joys and overcome the challenges. I believe that it is up to us to bring the “Good” to life, to make life very good indeed, not only for ourselves but for one another.

So I’m going to end with a question for you take into the week ahead. “Who knows you? Who do you know?”

Good or bad: Maybe, maybe not...Let's wait and see...

“Oh it’s an awful day, truly dreadful.” I wonder how many times I have heard these words uttered. I heard it several times last Sunday. I heard it as folk arrived for worship. I heard it as I chatted with people at the gym and heard it from several friends that evening. Now granted these friends are members of a walking group and it had been pretty wild last Sunday. It certainly didn’t feel like the beginning of spring.

It is said that we British are obsessed with the weather. Oscar Wilde said that conversation about the weather was “the last refuge of the unimaginative”. Bill Bryson, that great observer of this nation, noted that the most striking characteristic of British weather is that there “ain’t much of it.” None British people are puzzled, it seems, at our obsession with talking about the weather. I’ve lost count of the number of storm warnings over the last few weeks and yet if truth be told none of them were severe in comparison to other parts of the world. And yet we never stop talking about the weather. In a recent survey 94% of respondents admitted to having talked about the weather in the past six hours while 38% admitted to doing so in the last hour. Which means according to social anthropologist Kate Fox who performed the study in 2010 for her book “Watching the English” “…at almost any moment in England, at least a third of the population is either talking about the weather, has already done so or is about to do so.”

We British are obsessed with the weather. How many times have you talked about it already today? When was the last time you did so?

Please don’t get me wrong I’m not suggesting that there is anything wrong in this. I actually think it is lovely way for people to connect. The problem isn’t so much that we talk about the weather. No the problem I see is something else. It’s the way that we divide our conversation into “good” and “bad”. We talk about “good” and “bad” weather. It seems to me that we do this with all aspects of life. We divide life into “good” and “bad” and we do it with people too.

How often do we hear the phrase “There are two types of people in this world?” Well there aren’t there are people and people. We are all made of the same stuff, we have the same spirit within us. Dividing up people into different camps helps no one and in my view it is this that leads to the evil that we do to one another, it is this that justifies so many of the wrongs we have commit against one another. When we look into one another’s eyes do we really see someone other than ourselves? Do we really see a different type of person?

Yet we all do it. I do it, I’m no different to anyone else. We all have our scapegoats those we blame for our troubles or life’s troubles. It is not just with people and weather that we do this either, we do it with good fortune and with fate. We talk about good luck and we talk about bad luck.

Of all the stories I’ve told in my time as minister, the one that people seem to remember the most, the one that folk have told back to me more than any other is the following one on good luck and bad luck. A story that the people I serve physically tell back to me by lifting one or the other shoulder. Here it is…

“Let’s Wait and See”

There's an excellent Taoist tale of a farmer who has a balanced view of life. This view often confuses those around him that expect him to react or behave according to the "norm".

The story goes that an old farmer is working hard in the fields. He has a wife and a son, and ekes out a meagre living. One day, his only horse runs away. Upon hearing this, his neighbours comment "Oh, how awful! That is terrible! Such bad news!" to this the farmer replied:

"Maybe, maybe not. Let's wait and see."

A few days later, the farmer's horse returns and with it is another, exotic horse from far away. The horse is a mare, and is of rare value. The neighbours, upon hearing this, exclaim "How wonderful! It's fantastic that your horse returned and brought another horse with it! Such good news!". The farmer shrugged and said:

"Maybe, maybe not. Let's wait and see."

"The farmer's horses gave him many young, prized colts making the farmer very wealthy in the town. The neighbours were very happy for the farmer saying; "This is so fantastic! Your new horses have brought you much fortune! Such good news!" The farmer responded:

"Maybe, maybe not. Let's wait and see"

The farmer's son, now a young man, tried to tame one of the young colts and was thrown from the horse, breaking his hip. This left the son unable to walk. The neighbours came to help and tried to console the farmer saying; "Oh, how awful! Your only son will never walk again! Such bad news!". The farmer, who was not upset, simply said:

"Maybe, maybe not. Let's wait and see"

Later that year, the farmer's country went to war, and the army came by to conscript every able bodied man for duty. The farmer was too old to be taken, and his son could not walk, therefore he was excused. The army simply took the farmer's horses, leaving him just his original horse to allow him to keep farming.

Was the farmer's life good? Maybe. Was the farmer's life bad? Maybe not.

Good luck and bad luck are two sides of the same coin...it really depends on the perspective that we choose to view in any given situation.

“Good” and “bad” are aspects of all life and each and every person. Sometimes what we see as “good” and “bad” turn out to be the very opposite. It’s the same with people. There are not two types of people that we divide into “good” and “bad” camps. There is simply one type of person. Division and divisiveness are very dangerous things indeed. Where on earth do we draw the line?

It matters how we speak about life, it matters how speak about one another and it matters how we speak about ourselves. By saying this is “good” and this is “bad” and standing in this judgement we are creating a wall between aspects of ourselves and aspects of each other. This creates division both within ourselves and each other. What we need is reconciliation. We and all life is formed from the same source, we cannot separate any aspect of it from another.  We need to learn to create the environment when the lion and lamb can lie down together. Both the lion and the lamb within ourselves, but also the lion and the lamb in each other and all life.

Our world really needs this now. We seem to live in ever more dividing and divisive times. Our world needs healing and I believe it is the task of free religious communities to take the lead in this. It is up to us and it begins with us, in our own hearts and in our own communities. For it we get this right we can begin to bring healing and reconciliation to our wider world. It begins with how we engage with one another and with life. It begins with how we view life, maybe it begins with how we even view the weather. Maybe it begins by stopping seeing the weather as “good” or “bad”, and simply see it as weather.

The spiritual life is not a passive life. How we live in the world really matters. How we see life, how we see ourselves and how we see one another really matters. How we speak about life, how we speak about ourselves and how we speak about one another really matters. We impact on life constantly we are not just blown and battered by life. We can set our sails and even gain mastery of the elements if we take care our sails. We are not powerless in life and our lives are not meaningless. It is important that what we actually do is recognise our power and responsibility. To truly pay attention to how we impact on life and one another. To live spiritually is to take responsibility and to fully live our lives. We are not all powerful of course not, but we are an important part of the whole and our world needs us to recognise this and to play our part fully in life.

We need to fully recover our true identity, we need to recognise our interconnectedness we need to awaken our true sense of self and embrace fully our being and our inter-being with each other and all life in reverence, in love and in care. In so doing we will begin to embrace an attitude that is an antidote to separating life into “good” and into “bad”, into “them” and “us”

If we do we can begin to create the environment where the lion does indeed begin to lay down with the lamb.

It is up to us. For this we are all responsible.