You can tell a lot about a culture by its language. The English language has many words for different types of rain, probably because it rains a lot. Iceland has about forty words for snow and the ancient Greeks had at least six words for love. These were “Eros”, primarily romantic, sexual or passionate desire. “Philia” which was a deep bond that was formed through friendship and or comradeship. “Storge” which is a kind of familial love. “Ludus” which is a kind of playful or flirtatious love. “Pragma” or longstanding love. This is a form of mature love that develops over long-term relationships say between married couples. “Agape” love, this is a love without prejudice, a selfless love, some call it religious love. Finally “Philautia”, self love. This had a light and shadow side. Its shadow manifested in Narcissism, but its light was seen as vital in order to offer all the other forms of love in a healthy way.
We need all kinds of love to experience a truly fulfilling life. It is though “Philia” love I am exploring today, a love that develops through deep friendships. We all need “Philia” love, for we are relational beings. Everyone needs friends, to experience that deep loving care that is not connected by blood, by family and romantic feelings, a love for those we share our time and space with. I suspect that in many ways this is the love that spiritual community is built upon, actually all forms of community and it is the kind of love that we all need as we attempt to rebuild relationships following the challenges of recent years. There is a sense of anxiety and depression purveying society and I suspect that one of the causes may well be the rationing of philia love. So many of the conversations I have had in recent months have expressed this yearning, this need, this sense that this kind of love is or has been missing in people’s lives. There is a loneliness in so many people’s lives and it is one that I believe stems from a sense of not experiencing “philia” love. So many little birds have been singing this song in my ear. “Hello darkness my old friend, I’ve come to talk with you again.”
I recently came across the following story from Sandy Greenberg’s memoir: “Hello Darkness, My Old Friend: How Daring Dreams and Unyielding Friendship Turned One Man’s Blindness into an Extraordinary Vision for Life."
“Hello darkness, my old friend, I’ve come to talk with you again” is the opening line from the “Simon and Garfunkel” song “The Sounds of Silence”. According to Sandy Greenberg the inspiration for this line came from his friendship with Art Garfunkel. Yes, Paul Simon wrote the song, and there were other influences, but it was story of Greenberg’s friendship with Garfunkel that the opening line grew from. It is a wonderful example of the power of “philial” love.
Greenberg and Garfunkel met at university and soon shared a deep and close bond, they shared a passion for literature and music. They soon became room mates and best friends and with the idealism of youth, they promised to be there for each other no matter what.
Sandy was struck by tragedy and was diagnosed with severe glaucoma, that destroyed his optic nerves and soon became completely blind. Devastated he fell into a deep depression and gave up his dream of becoming a lawyer. He left university and returned home. Consumed with shame and fear, he cut off contact with his old friends, refusing to answer letters or return phone calls.
Art would have none of it and flew to his friends home and convinced him to return to college, promising that he would be right by his side to make sure he didn’t fall - literally or figuratively.
Art kept his promise and became Sandy’s eyes, it was vital to him that Sandy did not feel alone despite being plunged into darkness. Art began calling himself “Darkness” to demonstrate his empathy and care for his friend, he became his therapy friend, which means caring for the soul. He would say things like, “Darkness is going to read to you now.” Art organized his life around helping Sandy.
One day, while guiding Sandy through the crowded Grand Central Station, Art said he had to go and left his friend petrified and alone, he felt like his only friend had let him down. For two hours Sandy stumbled through the station. He finally got on the right subway train and after exiting the station he bumped into someone who quickly apologised, he immediately recognised Art’s voice! His devoted friend had followed him all the way home ensuring he was safe whilst also giving him the priceless gift of independence. Sandy later said, “That moment was the spark that caused me to live a completely different life, without fear, without doubt. For that I am tremendously grateful to my friend.”
Sandy graduated from Columbia and later earned further degrees at Harvard and Oxford. He married his high school sweetheart and became an extremely successful entrepreneur and philanthropist.
While at Oxford, Sandy got a call from Art. This time it was Art who needed his help. By this time he had formed “Simon and Garfunkel” with Paul Simon and they desperately needed $400 to record their first album. Sandy had $404 in his bank account, but without hesitation Sandy gave his old friend what he needed.
The album was not an immediate success, but one of the songs “The Sounds of Silence” became a global hit. The opening line of which is “Hello darkness my old friend, I’ve come to talk with you again,” it echoed how Art always greeted his beloved friend Sandy. I have no doubt that Paul Simon picked up on this story, I am sure “a little bird told him”.
Sandy and Art have remained lifelong friends. Garfunkel said that when he became friends with Sandy, “my real life emerged. I became a better guy in my own eyes, and began to see who I was - somebody who gives to a friend.” Sandy describes himself as “the luckiest man in the world.” There seems little doubt that the power and love of their friendship transformed both their lives. It seems like the perfect embodiment of “philial”, friendship love and its transformative power. It is a love that everyone needs and one that I feel so many folk are yearning for, so much that they often seek love in other less healthy ways.
“Philial” is vital, this is why the phrase “merely friends”, or “we are just friends” has always irritated me. Friends are the people we share our lives with, who in so many ways make our lives what they are. Friends are, to quote Fredrich Buechner’s, the people we choose to “make part of our lives just because we feel like it.” There is no such thing as “Just friends”
Aristotle said, “What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies.”
Emerson wrote, “Let us approach our friend with an audacious trust in the truth of his heart.”
A friend is someone you can trust, you can rely upon, someone who will be there for you. I have been blessed with such friendships throughout my life. Some have been there for decades and others for shorter periods of time, but we have touched one another’s lives in deep and meaningful ways. We have laughed and we have cried together. We have enjoyed some wild and crazy times together and we have grieved as we have lost one of our number. I have lost a lot of friends over the years, far too many. Each loss breaks my heart; each loss takes a little piece of my heart. Love hurts.
A friend helps you become a better person, certainly my friends have helped me to do so, they have spurred me on by their example and encouragement and occasional criticism. This was a central claim of Aristotle’s “Ethics” who envisioned an escalating competition in goodness. He suggested that people try to do their best so as to be valued and respected by their friends thus inspiring them to do likewise.
Friendship is a key component of Buddhism. This is illustrated in the following tale:
One day while the Buddha was out walking with his attendant Ananda, Ananda declared, “Teacher, to have companions and comrades on the great way is so amazing! I have come to realize that friendship is fully half of an authentic spiritual life.” They continued walking in silence when eventually the Buddha responded. “No, dear one. Without companions and comrades, no one can live into the deep, finding the true harmonies of life, to achieve authentic wisdom. To say it simply, friendship is the whole of the spiritual life.”
Could this be true? Is friendship the whole of the spiritual life?
Jesus said to his disciples, in John’s Gospel “I have called you friends, because I have made known to you everything.” To me this what a true relationship with God is about, friendship. Something that we are meant to mirror in our lives. This if you like is the Kin-dom coming alive in our lives. We gain knowledge of the spiritual life through living in such an intimate relationship with God, with life and with one another.
I’m with the Buddha and Jesus, I believe that friendship is the whole of the spiritual life. In fact, to live spiritually is to truly be a friend to life. This is how knowledge is truly revealed. This is the kin-dom of love, coming alive in our lives. This is how we make our lives a scared space. This is how we manifest love in our lives, by being a friend to life. This is what being a part of a spiritual community is about, becoming a friend to life and to all we meet. Friendship is those little birds whispering in my ear, share deep concern.
So my friends I invite you to join with me in the sacred space of friendship. I invite you to remember the friends you have known in your lives, the ones that touched and sometimes broke your hearts, the ones who accepted you just as you are and the ones who inspired you to be the best you, you could be. I also invite you to be the best fiend you can be to life and thus inspire all that you meet on your journey through life, to be the best version of themselves that they can be.
Let’s become good friends, not just friends…Let us become friends to one another and friends to life…
Below is a video devotion based on
the material in this "blogspot"
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