Of course like everyone I am influenced by many things, including many forms of artistic expression. That said I am not sure if these are the primary influences on my theology. For me the most important influence is personal experience. For most of my life I was an atheistically inclined agnostic. This is no longer the case, due to some experiences I had a few years ago and others that I have continued to have since. For me my personal theology is really only about my attempts to make sense of these experiences. Today I accept that I probably never will. I sought out religiously minded folk in an attempt to make sense of what had happened to me and now look where this has led...Lol!
Below is an attempt at creative writing from a couple of years ago. It is not what literally happened to me. It is mythical and speaks powerfully of the experiences I had and how they changed my response to life.
10th October 2003
I am writing to you, because I've nowhere else to turn. I feel as desperate as Princess Leah did, at the beginning of Star Wars, when she sent the message to the old Jedi master "Help me Obi Wan Kenobi, your my only hope". Well God you seem to be my last hope. I've tried everything and I just feel floored. I've run out of every idea. I've got no where else to turn. So as an act of desperation, I thought I would try you. The crazy thing is I don't really think that you exist. I certainly can't remember ever experiencing you during the 30 years I've been treading this earth. I've felt lonely and I've felt lost, my desires have been without aim, my every arrow has fallen well short of the mark. I really don't know what else to do, or where else to turn. I am sick and tired of this; please tell me what the point is? I just can not sort this one out myself.
I feel ridiculous even writing this letter, I hope none of my mates find out. That will give them some real ammunition for months of ridicule. After all I've always been the great rationalist. I've always said that belief in God is for the weak minded and weak willed. Maybe that's what's happened to me I've lost my mind. I do know one thing I've run out of will power. Yet in my mind this is a ridiculous and futile act.
And yet this feels right. As I write this letter I feel calmer. My mind is racing less and I can hear the birds singing again and the children playing in next doors garden. Suddenly I don't feel lonely or consumed by fear and anger. That emptiness seems to have gone. I'm remembering good times and smiling faces. People use to always say I had a lovely smile, when I was a little boy. God I have not smiled for a long time. When did that get lost? Now that's funny! I've just caught myself in the mirror and I had to laugh. People use to say that they knew when I was around because they could hear my laughter, in the next street. I haven't laughed for a long time. When did I stop laughing? When did I become consumed by embarrassment? When did I become so utterly constrained by mySELF.
God I am now ready to let go of all this nonsense that has been holding me back and making my world very small. I am ready to start living again. Can you please help me?
11th October 2003
Thank you. I'll try to keep in touch a bit more often.